Free Yourself.

One step in front of the other.

Mahal Kita world.

It's not the end till you take the last breath,
last sight,
last smell,
last feel,
last taste,
last thought.

Free yourself now.

Don't forget everything can end,
so live life,
but don't give up on what you have right now.

Because everything can disappear.

Dance
Sing
Live
Laugh
Make Peace
Love.

<3

Mahal Kita Po.

Well hello there.

I had part of a chocolate bunny yesterday. :P

Haha.

You know what I think is sad?
As we get older we lose a lot of important things.

Like we lose having the free spirited feel.
Where we use to be open to everything.
We would try something,
even if it looked stupid or nasty.

When we were little we had a huge imagination.
Which most of don't have now.
We base everything off what is going around us.
Our fun comes from Computer games, wii, TV...etc.
but we don't know how to have our own fun.

Everyone remembers Peter Pan.
I remember after I saw that movie.
I jumped around my room acting like I was with Peter Pan,
having the time of my life.

When I was little I would sing to you.
You couldn't dare get me to do that for you now.
Maybe because I know I don't have a singing voice, but still.

I personally think little kids could teach a lot more these days.
More then science can.

Kids can be reckless, but they never care what the consequences would be.
Which probably wasn't always smart.
But they knew how to have fun.
<3

Do you ever miss those days?

Dreams and goals.

Lately people have been talking about bucket lists.
You know the 100 things you wanna do before you die.

Yeah, I started on it.
I'm still not sure of everything I wanna do though.

I think it is a great way to set goals also.
:)

Goals are a good thing about life.
Gives you something to do with your life.

Dreams though,
kinda mean more to me.
Here are some for 2010.

• Go to Colorado.
• Sleep under the stars.
• Meet someone new.
• Make new friends.
• Show your true self to the world.
• Get a job.
• Try to find someone I can model for.
• Get my feelings out without getting hurt.
• Get on a roof of a building and scream.
• Not cut my hair.
• Go to a concert.
• Get my kid side back.
• Have a party when I turn 17.
• Draw something meaningful.
• Sit on the beach and watch the sun set, and watch the sun rise, one after the other.
• Write a grateful list everyday.
• Tell my parents I love them everyday.
• To be able to have a close friend.
• Work on cooking skills.
• Pay back everyone, it meaningful ways.
• Write something that people would want to read.
• Take the notes off my wall.
• Read.
• Write to Katy, Jessica, Hazel.
• Finish pictures.
• Take many pictures.
• Love life.
• Walk in the rain with someone, with not coat.
• Find a place I can go to, to get away from everything.

That's just a few.
:)

Next is to people.

Abe- I haven't talk to you in a while, but I was able to tell you so much, and you always tried to make me feel better. Thank you.
Adam- You have always been there for me, Yeah you act mean sometimes, but I know you are a very caring guy. You are amazing.
Amber- We use to be close, till you moved away, and then we kinda just stopped talking. You are still my Clarinet buddy.
Anja- Oh wow...where to start? You are like AMAZING. You are my roll model. You always tell me like it is and not hold back from the truth. You care about me, and You are always there for me. You are also free spirited and know how to have fun, and wont let anything get in the way of your dreams or goals. It's incredible.
Anton- My brother use to chill with you everyday, and I was the tag along. But from what I knew, you were pretty awesome. You where nice...way nicer then my brothers at the time. Haha. Thanks you also gave me some advise at times.
Aunt Chris- You are INCREDIBLE! I love you, and I miss you as well. You tell it like it is. You are always willing to help me with my pointless drama. You don't act like I'm just a little kid, you consider my feelings as a real human, and know I really have some. I love you so much.
Brian- Dear, you are so funny, and sweet. I don't think I ever see you sad. It's pretty different. You also know how to put a smile on everyone face. You have a gift.
Brian- I never know when you are telling the truth, but that I never wanted to deal with. I thought you were pretty chill to hang around, you made me smile. Thank you for that.
Brittany- You are like a sister. You are always over, and we always find a way to have fun. We act like we are kids. There isn't one thing I can't tell you. You are always there for me, thank you so much, you are a GREAT person.
Bryan- You are like a brother, You make me laugh and smile, and have an amazing time. You make me feel like a little kid, and free again. That's an amazing feeling to have. You are awesome.
Christian- You are funny, you are one of the kids I see rarely mad, like it takes a lot to make you made. You are crazy..(in a good way) And you always know how to have fun, which is always a good thing.
Clifford- I miss you, I wish I could see you everyday. Like I was able to when I was little. I just had to walk into the other room. You made me feel safe and I knew I would never get hurt. You kept the house in order when the parents were gone. You are an amazing brother.
Corben- Where to start? Hmm...you changed my life, in a way I never thought anyone would be able to. It's like you took a job that everyone else said you would quit in the first week. But you didn't, you stayed. You made me believe in things I never thought was even close to being real. You always were able to make me smile, and let me know that there was at least one person that really cared. When I was around you I could be myself, and not have to worry about you saying "your weird" and walk away from me. You made me laugh and have an amazing time. Life never seemed boring when you were around. You are incredible and made my life amazing. No matter what happens, I will always be here for you. Thank you for listening to me and being there. I'm not sure where I would be if you never entered my life. You mean so so so much to me. I will never forget you, or the promises made, or the words that were shared. I never want to lose you from my life. Ever. I Love you.
Corey- You are very sweet. You always try to make sure there is a smile on my face.
Daniel- You are always there for me. You are amazing. Yeah we fight, or have hard times sometimes but that is normal. You listen to me when I need to vent, and as I do for you. You take care of me, and do things to make me happy. You are an amazing brother, and I'm glad you are my brother.
Danlee- Sometimes you make me mad...but most parents do. But you make me laugh as well. You are like a teddy bear. You support this family, and make us strong. I love you daddy, you are Incredible and amazing!
David- I haven't talk to you in a pretty long time now. You were nice, and I chilled with you once and a while but I was always comfortable around you, I'm not sure why though.
David- It's been a while since I've really sat down and talked to you. I have many memories with you. Good and bad. It's weird how life works out, right?
Deedee- I've known you since 6th grade. Crazy how much we change over time. We use to hang out all the time. We always act like little kids when we are together, but in a mature manner? It's hard to explain, haha, but I'm pretty sure you understand.
Derek- I can tell you anything, weird huh? You are so understand...when I'm sad you let me cry on you, when I'm mad you let me hit you till I can't give up, when I need to talk to someone you listen. Thank you so much for always being there for me and helping me with so much.
Drew- You are great, we always have something to talk about. We are always laughing and having a weird conversation. You help me out with things I don't understand. You help my mood a lot, and you don't even know.
Dylan- What happened?
Equan- I miss you, and we need to chill soon.
Eric- You are so funny. You goof off and you kinda remind me of a brother. Someone that can make me smile. Gonna miss you after school is over, better still text me. Haha.
Fran- We use to be REALLY close, but distance made it hard for us yo keep in touch. It makes me sad. I use to hang out with you all the time! It's scary how fast things can change.
Gage- You make me laugh, and you listen to the random stuff I have to say well maybe because you through in random stuff also. I love you flying hugs, even if they do hurt me sometimes. Which everything would be the same.
Gigi- I personally think you need to just take a break, you over do everything. Gosh just take rest! Mommy I love you so much, and I know you are only trying to help me. I love you mommy, you are incredible and amazing.
Grandparents- You guys are the silliest grandparents I think I have ever met. You are still like kids. You know what a kid is looking for in having fun. You also don't force us to do to much. Just the things that should be done. I love and miss you both.
Hyung Chan- You are so crazy fun to hang out with. I laugh so hard to with you. I'm so very glad I met you.
Jacob- It was weird to talk to you after all this time has passed, but you really haven't changed much. I'm glad I'm still kinda friends with you.
Jazz- We probably talk about the most randomest things, like really. In the short amount of time I've know you, we have gotten pretty close.
Jennifer- Oh my gosh, we have so many inside jokes. Mostly sounds, haha. We always seem to get a lot of stuff from Bloom when you are over took. We are always laughing or having a weird conversation about something I'm not even sure about. You are a great friends for sure.
Jenny- I miss you so much, You were more like a sister then a cousin. We were always hanging out, yeah we did get sick of each other at points but sisters would do the same. We probably were the weirdest kids on the block, but at least we knew how to have fun. You are amazing in every way. I love you.
Jessica- I miss you so much. You were someone I was able to call my best friend. You knew everything about me and I knew everything about you, but since I moved. It got harder to say that. It was amazing how we became friends...after being enemies at first. It's weird how life turns out.
Joe- You have been there for me a lot more lately. I love it. You listen. Then you help. Help, not many people seem to want to help anyone, but you are a very sweet person. I'm so glad I've met you.
Josh- I can't believe you...how could you...it hurts...We've known each other since kinder. I think you are amazing, just I wish it wasn't so weird to say that now...
Josh- We use to be so close, like no one was able to pull us apart. I wish we were still close friends. I wish we could talk like we use too. I miss being able to talk to you about everything. When you, you to tell me things no one else knew, you trusted me at one point. I miss those times.
Justine- At one point we truthfully hated each other. When you said that one thing to me, I couldn't believe we had hated each other at all. It was weird to hear you say you would be there for me. I'm sorry for everything I've done to you, but thank you for helping out.
Katy- You are someone I never want to drift away from. Even if it's hard to keep in touch now. You are still and AMAZING person, who is crazy and knows how to have fun and not care what others think. I MISS YOU!
Kayla- We also use to be close, then you moved, but now I think we are working on getting close again. I just think it will take sometime.
Kerry- What happened? We use to be close, like really close. I told you everything. I spent weeks at your house. Now where are we...it's like I don't even know who you are. You use to be one of my best friends. I thought it was just another drift moment and then we would hang out, and everything would be chill again, but I was wrong...we drifted...and just kept drifting...till it became so awkward...that it's weird all together.
Maddie- We have gotten closer this year. I think it's pretty awesome. You are so chill and nice. I think we joke about the weirdest things, and we like hitting Ryan. lol.
Michael- Haha, I'm so glad I met you. You are so funny. You know how to have fun, and there is never a dead conversation with you. I know I can always have fun if I hang out with you.
Michelle- You use to be someone I could call my sister. We aren't so close anymore, but you're not gone. I don't think it's out faults everything has changed though. I just think things had gotten in the way. We were busy. And school had gotten harder...or something...Idk. You are still and incredible person. You are crazy and know how to have fun, even when things start to get hard. We have so many inside jokes. I'm glad I met you.
Patrick- I wish everything would be like it use to be. After everyone started to drift. You were one of the few that still talked to me. Thank you for that. I wish we had the change to chill more. I also wish that when we chilled that we could chill and that you wouldn't dis on someone.
Ricky- It's been a while since we have even talked. After the drama, I was glad to say I was just able to call you my friend. It was a lot easier. You are pretty chill.
Ryan- I'm not sure what happened, but you are pretty chill in the end.
Ryan- We got a lot closer this year. You make me laugh and keep my mind off so much that I don't want to think about. You are amazing, and you know how to have fun. You are sweet, and just know how to make me feel better. So, thank you so much.
Ryan- You are crazzzy. You make me smile. I'm so glad we started to chill again. We are gonna start opening up to each other more. right?
Sara- We started getting closer this year. I'm glad you aren't like everyone else. You are so adorable.
Stephen- You talk to fast, you make me go crazy sometimes, but you help. Anyone that is willing to help someone out is a sweet person in my book.
Torrie- You are so caring. You are such a sweet girl. I'm so glad I know you, and that you live close. You are amazing.
Tristen- You are a cutie. Haha. You are so funny. You seem like an interesting person to get to know.
Wade- I wish you would talk to me. I wish we could just be friends again, and not be like we are now.
Zack- You are so different, not in a bad way though. You are always trying to keep a smile on someones face, and that's amazing. Thank you for a lot.

Love,
O-ECS

I'm sick of holding everything in...

I'm gonna start out with...
I know this might come back and kick me in the butt.
But, I'm really done holding everything in.
I'm also done being so quiet because I don't wanna blurt out what I'm thinking.

So here is EVERYTHING!

I'm fucking sick of it. Life, I don't care how amazing everything
is said to be about this thing, it's been dropping me in this hole,
That has been taking me to long to climb out of.
I'm done watching my family and friends get hurt,
and other people that are close to me.
I wish for one second that out of all these events lapping over each other.
Time would just STOP.
Just freeze.
Idk.
Thinking positive will bring positive but when
that's the last thing you want to think about, what do you do?
All I wanna think about is how will she end up?
Is he or she okay?
How is he really feeling?
Does anyone notice?
Is this REALLY how it's gonna end up?

Yeah...

I thought about everyone staying away from me,
when I'm having a hard time.
I've gotten that.
Just how do you end up getting them back,
when that moment is gone?
What if the moment never wants to go,
and you just never get those people back?
Will it hurt?
worse...

AHHHHHHHHH.

Screaming...a cure.
Laughing...a cure.
Sleeping...a get away.
Friends...a home.

"Lay back and rest your head, I'm sure if you fall asleep a miracle will happen."

What is a girl in love supposed to do...
I'm not ignoring you...I'm sorry if it feels like that,
I thought you were ignoring me...
I understand it feels like I'm ignoring you...I just couldn't get hurt anymore.
Seeing it...doesn't hurt...
It's just knowing it.
Please don't get me wrong.
I say this over and over and over again.
"They are happy...that's all that matters to me now."
It's true, I'm happy for you...just it kills me.
But dear me...I just want to yell at you...but I don't think I've ever yelled at anyone.
Why would I yell...?
Is it because it hurts?
Idk.

Happy Birthday Bro,
I wish I could be with you,
so I could really say it to your face.
I miss you so much.
And the support and comfort you gave me,
since I was a little girl.
:)
You are an amazing brother.
23 is it?
haha, you are getting old.


Why does everything have to do with money?
Why do people judge?
I wish everyone would just shut up.
You making fun of someone doesn't make you any better.
So what is the fucking point of doing it?
REALLY?
Oh yeah, you hurt someones feelings.
That's a great feeling to have.
BULLSHIT!
GET A FUCKING LIFE!!!

Why am I still here?
Trapped in memories?
Lost in thought?

I hate moving...
I hate trying to fit in.

Do I change myself to fit in with others?
Do I know how to be myself?

When someone gets mad...
do you have to through stuff?
I mean you broke the wedding plate thing...
That was a symbol of their love...
why would you break it...
over you tripping on something.
AHH!





.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.



I'm so done understand everything I wanted to understand.
I'm done being who I wanted to be.

Fill in the pieces.

<3
O-ECS

Lately I've just wanted to scream.
I can't seem to want to tell people how I feel.
And holding everything in has been making me feel...different.
I'm not sure different how...but I feel confused...I guess.

Over all I also feel I have changed:
I'm lazier-I don't feel like moving.
I'm weak-I feel as if my body has given up and I want to fall over.
I'm thinking-to much on things I could care less on.
Older-I feel like I have gained age that I shouldn't have yet.

///////////////////

Have you ever had a dream affect you so much, that you start to do things different in a day?
I mean because of going to school, every day has always been the same, which kept
a boring life.
But you knew what was going on, and in touch with life.
But my dreams...they are scary...
they make me look around my school, they make me want to find someone that isn't there.

Wow, that sounds weird...
Lets see...
My dream:
Well it starts out with me going to my ex's house to read a note,
to make sure I have gotten over him,
but I hadn't, so I run to the bathroom.
I slip on a rug, bash my head on a towel rack,
then the sink.
I black out.
When I wake up, I'm in a hospital.
I see Corben, Kerry, Michelle, Anja, Daniel, Clifford, and a few other people.
The only thing was...I didn't remember them.
I looked at their faces clueless to who they all where.
These people who had been close to me, I forget them all.
and then it happened...my sister showed up...I knew who she was.
It was creepy to see her,
I mean she was pretty-
Long black silk hair, Asian, skinny, pretty much a perfect model.
But I could see through her.
And she sat there and talked to me, about everything about these people.
I was so lost as she spoke, but it made sense.

Yeah, in real life...she's not with us.
And that's why I could see through her.

But I feel like she's with me,
and I look for her.

I know this doesn't make any sense,
because it doesn't make sense to me why I try to find my sister in school.
The dream wasn't even in school.

But you know that feeling that someone is watching you.
Yeah, it's there.

Do you think I'm going crazy?
Does this happen when your mood is confused/lost?

Idk, sorry for venting again.
Next blog will be an about people thingy I love to do so much,
and also my goals/dreams for 2010.

Thanks.

Love from,
O-ECS

So I have wrote in a while.

It's weird how so many of us that are so much alike,
are so different as well.
From my eyes lately...I don't see anything different with anyone.
Maybe because I feel a little lost.
I mean we are all human.
We all have things in common.
A big one? how about this...feelings.
Everyone has them, and no matter how you look,
something can effect them.

Music has been keeping me sane,
and not wanting to scream.

Every felt like you are left out.
and when you are watching everyone else have fun,
or are making sense of things.
You are the one lost sitting there confused.

There is no way I'm saying I'm the only one, or that this will always be how it is for me.
I feel right now, nostalgic.

There was this one perfect day looking back in time.
That time?
It was the summer, I had just gotten back from the Philippines.
I missed family but was glad to see my friends again.
I had met a new friend/person I knew but never talked to.
Corben VR and Justin S.
There were relationships that didn't bug me.
I knew when I was down this group of friends would be there.
Yeah, the grouped fought, but they also could talk to each other when needed.
We were always at this one park or 7/11.
Everyone laughed on that day, and everyone had a smile on their face.
It felt then that we would always be somewhat close.

That group fell apart a little later.
Now no one talks to each other, but the few that are still close.
One major group into what personally is like 4 or 5 different groups now.
And even a few people that just had to find new friends.

These where the people there the day of the park:
Jennifer R.

Kerry C.
Corben VR.
Justin S.
Adam V.
Mike P.
Gage H.
Pat N.
Zack J.
Abe T.

This group never seemed to fail to make me smile or laugh.

Yeah we didn't always get along, but nothing with ever be 100% perfect.
But now, no matter what this friendship group will never be close again.
Because not one of them would really try to be friends with every single one of them,
all over again.
They say to much drama, or they make me mad, or eww, or something stupid.
and right now, I notice...that is how drama is made.
We say things...we say our feelings.
No matter what, no matter HOW HARD YOU TRY, there will always be drama.

and no one can change that, why?
because everyone's feelings tell them at one point we gotta get sick of each other.

So in school now, we have groups, and I mean noticed groups set from the big group.
Group one that people point out first:
Kerry C, Corben VR, Victoria C.
Group two that people point out:
Michelle P, Lance G, Linsay..., Michael M.
Group three:
Pat N, Zack J, Gage H.
Group four:
Christian W, Katie R, Tabbie S.
Group five:
everyone else.

Everyone went into their own paths.
and I'm not saying change is totally bad or good.
or that these groups mean anything.

Just there was at least one person in each one of these groups,
that use to be in this main big group.

So how does things really change this fast?
Fate?
Feelings?
What?