I scare myself.

You know what I just noticed?
Is that I try to hide so much from everyone...
like my parents...
so I tried to never type anything out where
I thought they would read it,
only because I knew I would be in a ton of SHIT!


Then,
I noticed...they can't read my blogger...
nor my other blogging account.


I also went over the list of things I talk A LOT about...
because those are the things you "love"

so...

my "love" list:

1) Work
2) (C)
3) Brothers
4) New things.




So,
I found out this guy likes me.
At first I couldn't tell.
Last night though...he made it clear.
But...you...see...
there is a tad bit of a problem...like always.

and I'm not even sure how I feel.


ugh.


Mwah.

O-ECS

Click Click Click.

I wanna type.
I wanna type out my world
of moods.
I wanna type my heart out into words.


But,
every time I try...
it never gets close to how I feel.



Can I ask you something?
Why are you always in my room?

but it's never just you...it's him too...
Does that mean...?
NO!!
I wont agree to it.
NO..NO NO NO NO NO!!!

It's all in my mind.
I'll just make it all go away!




(J)
Mawalan ko kayo
I wish I could change things.


It's freezing cold!!!
D:
...see...now would be an amazing time to have someone special...

Stupid hole...


Mwah.

O-ECS

Why?

5/23

Yeah,
it got to me.

No matter how content I am with the situation...
it still hurts.

I mean I'm not gonna go off like I did
on my other blogger...but yeah.


ANYWAY!!

I went into work today,
even though I was off.
(:

(P)
IS SO SUPER AMAZING!!

hehe.


I didn't have to seem him.
Thank god.
Woulda been awkward on me.


//


When I think
right now...
I can say I don't like anyone.

But,
when I'm around one of the these
four guys.
I act different.
I know I'm acting different,
and I truly hate it.
So, why can't I act normal?
Is it lust?


Wow,
just read that lust is associated
with cows and the color blue.


You know what I miss?
And this has been on my mind since the asian
brought it up.
She asked,
"Why do you wanna get in a relationship so fast?"
I said,
"Fast? It's been 2 months..."
She said,
"Well not fast, so bad?"
Then I shut up.


Later that day,
my friend and I got into this talk.
Venting but not?
We do this weird thing.
He asked if I knew what Love was.
I told him, no...I don't believe in it.
He kinda agreed.
I told him he should go back out and date.
He said no.
I asked why?
He said, I'm tired of getting hurt.

I laughed at little at myself.

Then told him,
you have to learn to get up from those falls.

He asks,
"How do you do it?"

I said,
"I think about how I felt when I was with that last person.
That I wanna feel that feeling all the time,
and I wont feel that, doing nothing."

"What do you miss?"


So,
I listed things I missed.
Then told him,
"If I found a relationship,
as good or even better then that,
I wouldn't have to miss it anymore,
and yeah maybe I might get hurt,
but I'll just wanna find that feeling all over again.
It keeps me busy with life."

Then our conversation ended.
I got sleepy.


//


So,
working on a story.
It's not to great.
):

But it's better then nothing.

It's kinda like
my person thought of what people
REALLY think of me.

hmmm.


(Dbb)
Why do I like you?
UGH!!!
):

(RS)
I don't think I like you anymore.
(:
So, we really can
be just friends.

(EJ)
I think I'm getting over you.
You make me mad sometimes.
So, idk.

(PITB)
I don't even know where
to start with you.
I like you,
I don't like you,
I like you,
and guess what?
I don't.

So the four is now down to two.


Mwah.

O-ECS

Holy crap.

If it couldn't get worse.

Haha, it didn't,
don't worry.
Today was pretty good.
(:


Yeah,
that means it has to do with work.

d:

I really do love this place.

So,
I'll start with that all the cooks
when they tell me I have an order up,
most are like Irish, Cup, IRISH!
something alone that line.
But, (L) says sweetheart.
Calms me down for the day.
(:

Then you have the drunk women,
I swear if I have to say excuse me one more time.
I might just flip.

Male dancers are funny/weird.
Not fun to have to see though.
Funny to see though.
Pink Fairy.

"Little gangsta, go go."

(DBB)
I was hoping to get out sooner then you being there.
Guess it's my luck.
Yummy fries though.
Haha.
...thank you btw.
^.~


(JBM)
You are so amazing.
Love is a strong emotion,
if you believe in it.
YOU NEED TO SLEEP THOUGH!
I mean dang boy, 7?
How do you still have an all around amazing mood still?
Funny and super strong.

(JBG)
Thank you for the paths.
I wanted to kick them though.
Stop moving my sour cream.

(BGs)
YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING!!!

(Tmd)
That last comment you said to me,
before I left.
It wasn't something..
I thought I would hear from you.
Thanks.
That really did mean a lot to me.
(:


(N/C)
I really got to know about you guys today.
It was super amazing.
I love just chatting with you guys.

(RS)
Wow,
17?
This is sooo gonna be a cute gift.
haha.
(:

(Mbt)
Dude that was so funny
to see written into the counters...
to bad I was the one who had to clean it.
d:
Chill out a little btw.
Everything is gonna be okie dokie.



No tip out today.
Bought one shirt today.
Buying the second one tomorrow.


(L)
YOU ARE AMAZING!
:D
I gave you a hug today,
haha.


I know I'm forgetting something
I'm gonna wanna add.


OH!

I fell at work today.
d:
I'm okay though.


WORK IS THE BEST! :D
my kitchen. ^.~


Mwah.

O-ECS

"Your sorry eyes cut through bone
Make it hard to leave you alone
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new

Baby, you're a lost
Baby, you're a lost
Baby, you're a lost cause

There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming
They see you go
They know your secrets
And you know theirs
This town is crazy
Nobody cares

Baby, you're a lost
Baby, you're a lost
Baby, you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

There's a place where you are going
You ain't never been before
No one laughing at your back now
No one's standing at your door
That's what you thought love was for

Baby, you're a lost
Baby, you're a lost
Baby, you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause "


Sometimes there is things
that no one can fix,
but yourself.

That's normal.

No one will always be there for you.
I learned that.

Maybe that's why I feel so alone.
Because at one point I learned,
no one is always going to be there for me.
No one keeps all the promises they made.
And no one is going to keep everything safe.

Everything I have ever said...
has became public,
I learned no one will keep your words safe.
Which hurts.

(REC)
At one point in life,
somehow...everything changed.
Good or bad...
I'm not sure.

Made me happy,
then made me crash
then happy again.

Horrible.

Amazing.

I'm always at thought.
Well...I guess everyone is always at thought,
but the point is,
the thought never left.
You never left,
at some point
I had a smile then a frown
then right back to a smile.

So, I noticed something today.
Which for me..was a fail.
I dislike the point I realized it.
It's wrong, I know that.
Oh, I very much know.


AHH!!!

Yesterday was my concert.
(A) Didn't show up...
Bro got super pissed.
He wanted to go.
I'm done with (A)
This is like the 100th time,
you ditched on us,
not giving us a heads up!
I'M SICK OF IT!
):


More then just a little confused...

Mwah.

O-ECS

DUN DUN DUNNNNN

Why am I so emotional?
Why am I so confused?

I wanna get on the first plane I can...
and just LEAVE!!

///

Why do I dream of a world of hope,
when all there is left is dope?

Save the giver,
Give a saver.

Can you not see it?
The sticky note on my head saying,
"I Like You."
Is it really that hard to notice?
Or do you just not notice me?


///


I'm not sure when it happened,
but you became a little nicer.
Which is odd.
I like it though.


///


AHH MY FOOTS ASLEEP!!!
>.< ...it tickles... /// 2 more days. Why am I so scared about it? Ugh... Stupid mind. Mwah.

O-ECS

Life.

I've seen the changes I've made in my life.
The looks I've taken on.

So why can't I just change again?

///


I'm cold.
Warm me up?
Haha.


Why is it I wont tell you I have a crush on you?
Why is it I'm scared?


I have this feeling inside that says I should dance.

Omg, I told (P) that I wrote about work.
And how it was my sanctuary.
She understood.
I'm so happy.
(:


I can't wait for next Friday!!
List:
New clothes.
Hair cut.
Pedicure.
Maybe a manicure.
Buying make up.
Oh, and buying hair spray,
(it will be needed...maybe. haha)

Gosh, I really can't wait.

New look will have new personality,
that fits.

YAY!


My life is nothing like you would understand.
^.~


Mwah.

O-ECS

Forty-Five.

Gosh,
if there isn't a singer I love more than Miyavi..
then I don't even know anymore.
d:

"Yume wa yume no mama, dakara yume nanda yo.
Nante sabishii koto iu na yo.
Yume miru no ga TADA nara kanaeru mo TADA desho.
Kyou mo BEDDO de IMETORE shiyou."

aka

"A dream is still a dream. That's why it's a dream.
Don't say sad things like that.
If dreaming is free, then making it come true is too.
Let's Image-Train in bed."


This song is pretty amazing.

"Mayoi koto nakare. Hiromu koto nakare. Me wo sorasu koto nakare.
Utagau koto nakare. Kanashimu koto nakare. Tachidomaru koto nakare. "

aka

"Don't get lost, don't cower. Don't look away.
Don't doubt, don't feel sad, Don't stop."



Truthfully,
I need a little push.
Something to keep me going.
Friends to show me they are there.
And people to understand.

I understand
that I can't be friends with
everyone I want to be
friends with.
But that trying never hurt anyone.
Well...maybe.
Haha.



Gosh music is AMAZING!
(:


So, I found a list of foods.
Which made me wanna find more.
Which ended with a never ending list of pictures.

haha.
I love food.


"As grass and flowers cannot grow without water
As people can't live without dreams, I too... therefore."


I just wanted to let you know...
I learned something.
Something no one would NOW believe I would say.
So, here it is.

I wasn't in love with you.
I didn't even love you.
Because guess what?
I don't know what love is.
I don't know it's real.
I don't believe in it.
Not now,
Not then,
Not here,
Not there,
Not ever.


With a puff of smoke, no doubt.
And a ranch on the side.

I'll get by.


Mr.God smile those perfect teeth my way.
Swing your long brown hair outta your face.
Look those soulful eyes at me.
And say those 3 words I never knew.



I'm a new person.
Is that why I can't fit in with my old friends?
I wonder...


Can't wait till next Friday,
The new me look starts.

Buh byee,
I have to get ready for work now.


Mwah.

O-ECS

Am i just gonna keep adding?

~*YESTERDAY*~

So,

I didn't get any my feet off the ground hugs.

Well none that I can remember.

He did hold me for a while though.

I love being in his warmth.

My next week is pretty much filled.

Which is pretty amazing.

~*TODAY*~


So,
today at school,
in PE.
I played forever kickball.
It really is like a never ending thing of kickball.
It's crazy.
Well I was running my third lap to get the home run.
I was about to get tagged out,
so I dove for the base.
Doing like a barrel roll.
I jacked up my knee doing so.

Which brings me to work today...

Work:
HURT LIKE HELL!
and what sucks more,
is that Friday's are rush days.
So I pretty much died today.

But I love the play SO much.

Like before really working,
Danny and I made a war.
We do this like every time.

Well, him and my brother...
came up with the best plan ever.
I really was clueless.

Plan:
Daniel tells me he needs some onions,
so I was on my way to the walk in,
well the dry storage is right next to it.
and out pops Danny...screaming!
I don't remember what I said,
but I think it was something around..
"HOLY SHIT!!"
Then Danny goes,
Oh btw,
Daniel doesn't need the onions.
Then I hear Daniel from the back go,
"Did it work?"
I ran over to him,
and kicked him in the butt.
Like I really kicked him.
Danny is lucky he isn't blood,
or else I would have kicked him too.
d:

I was shaking!
It was sooo bad.
):
Danny always wins the wars...
I'm scared to easy.


He told me that he got paid for scaring me.
Weak.


Back to work:
Because I jacked up my knee from PE
work was really hell.
I couldn't stand walking.
Which is kinda all I do,
since I'm a food runner.
But it was chill.
I finished the day.
Worked hard.



///


My world is interesting.


Mwah.

O-ECS

Boii, there you go again.

It's almost like dreaming.

But,
It's real.

~*YESTERDAY*~

Again,
you start that class with a hug.
You know,
your super amazing ones,
where my feet don't touch the ground.

Since we have time before the block,
we chill and talk.
While C sits on my girl.
You laugh and grab me,
so I'm sitting on your lap.
Your hand around my waist,
and we all chillin like that is totally normal.

Class begins.

Laughing about the stuff conversations we have in that class.

Then the eye looking starts,
which is more I look at him when he says something funny.
Then we laugh,
and he mouths something
about how weird this class is.
Which it is.


Then the bell rings for us to leave.

There we go again,
his arm around me.

We walk out to the outside group,
and he stays with my girl and I for a little.

He had given me like 20 more hugs,
all of them being where my feet don't meet the ground.

Then him and I walked to the bus.
On our way home,
we were talking.
I forgot what was said,
but he says
"HIGH FIVE...wait HAND SEX!"
I laugh.
Then we have hand sex.
Aka
pretty much just holding each others hands.
With fingers laced with each others.

Then,
I walk off the bus.
Not being able to stop smiling.



~*TODAY*~

Again,
I don't seem him till the last block of the day.
As soon as I walk into lunch,
there he is.

As soon has he sees me,
my feet are off the ground once again.
I giggle,
then almost fall over as he sets me down,
which keeps his hands around me for
a little bit longer.
Just to make sure I'm okay.

He couldn't stay in lunch since he had a test or something.
So he left.

I made new friends. :D

Then the bell was about to ring,
and he was there again.
Once again,
toes off the ground,
me almost falling.
Him holding me still.

Walking to the outside group.
Run in with my Asian.
He puts his arm around me again.
High five-ing.
Couldn't lace our fingers because my jacket was in the way.

He gives me one more hug,
feet on the ground.
And he goes off on his own way.

Again,
I can't stop smiling.



Now.
Before we start the
"what ifs"
^.~

I'm scared.
Screaming inside major.
Shaking head to toe.

It's not a dream,
only because it is real.

Dreams,
I can get what I want.

Real life,
I don't get what I want.



Saving money up
to get new outfits.

So I can start on the new me.

If no one likes me,
well that sucks for them.

Because I'm happy to be who I am.

All I have to think is they
lost something pretty fricken amazing.



Mwah.

O-ECS

Mother's day.

Happy Mother's Day to those who are mothers.
(:


I bought lunch
for the family.
Then gave my mommy
gifts.
Then my brother paid for dinner,
at where we work.
(He had to work, I was off.)

It was pretty great.
First,
AW- came up. She waited on us.
Then,
LW-came up and talked to us for a little.
Next,
JC and BC- came out at the same time.
Then,
My brother came out to drop off our food he made us.
After,
RB-saw me and said hello to me and the family.
Next,
PM-Gave me a hug and said hello to the family.
Next,
CW-Said her hellos as well.
Finally,
JB-Saw me and made me laugh.


Gosh work is amazing.
^.~



This week has been amazing.
I just want to dance around in circles.
(:


I'm looking, I am.
<3


I

C
a
n
'
t

W
a
i
t

T
i
l
l

F
r
i
d
a
y
.

W
i
l
l

Y
o
u

D
o

I
t
?


Hmm,
I'll have to wait an see.
<3



:D
:D
:D
:D

Mwah.

O-ECS

41.

Completed yet another goal.
I feel good about myself.


Blogging the rest on my other blogging sight.

Ghost whispers made me sad!

I wanted to know what happened between Sam and the main person!

UGH!!!

hahaha,
oh well.


Anyway plans tomorrow.
(:

I don't think I'm gonna go to the doctor.


Anyway, tired.

Nighty night.
Sleep tight.
Sleep well.
Sweet dreams.
Peaceful thinking...or dreaming?

haha,
NIGHT!

Mwah.

O-ECS

So...

I might not use blogger anymore.

I found a new blogging sight.
And,
I like it a little better.

...
Idk.


I might blog on both.
Haha.


Like post different things depending
on what I'm posting about.


You know?



So,
I was talking to one of my friends,
the only one I told,
because she knows him...

she asked why I liked him...
if he was such an ass...

I told her because he's never really been mean to me..
when he is,
he always adds I'm joking I LOVE YOU!!
then gives me one of his amazing pick up hugs.

She says:
Yeah there are things to like about him,
I see that.

Me:
Guys suck.


haha, then we switched conversations.



But really,
walking outta the lunch room to go back to Bio class,
I felt like I was dating him.

My girl and me were walking,
but they(2 guys from class) had gotten outta the lunch line first,
so they had gotten up when they saw us.
The first thing he did when walking over to them,
was he put his arm around my waist,
and we walked to class.

Till we saw a friend and my girl and me gave him a hug.
then we walked normally.


Truthfully though.
I don't know how much more of it I can take.

I mean I know he's mean,
so that's why I don't wanna deal.
But idk, BLAHHHH!!!


Anyway!!!


Yeah so got a new blogging sight,
which is pretty cool.


Get to work today. :D
I love my family.

And I broke another goal today. (:
I get to brake another tonight. (:

GOOD GOOD GOOD!


:D
:D
:D
:D


Loving Life.


MWAH!

O-ECS

Happy
Mexican army's victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla
Day!!


Haha, Cinco De Mayo.




So,
my music is playing.
It's sailing my soul far away right now.



My heart flew a little today.
It was very scary.

Gosh,
every time you hug me...
it's so amazing!

Walking outta school,
and you just held me.

You did,
what I've been asking for.
Not like asking for out loud,
more what I've been thinking.
I wished someone would just hold me,
show me they care.

You did just that.
You showed me you cared.
Yeah, maybe we aren't more then friends.
I'm PERFECTLY fine with that.
We promised no matter what our feelings were,
being friends was way more important.
I agree 100%.

But when you pick me up,
twirl me,
we almost fall over,
your arm is around me,
you tickle me,
you don't move away from me when I hold you like that,
we have a "baby" haha,
we have a lot of inside jokes,
and when you said you wouldn't ruin my life,
also you said you would be there for me.

For some reason,
when someone says they'll be there for me,
a smile will show up on my face.
Because it gives me such a warm feeling inside.

Anyway,
You are amazing, sweet, and sometimes a pain.
Haha, but I still love you.

Thank you so much dear,
for everything really.



"'Cause if I'm restless then why do I
I want nothing but to rest my soul?
And I don't get this and I know why
You see sometimes things are just beyond control"



I feel strong.
Like emotionally.
It's super amazing.

I wanna dance. d:


I have no clue where I'm going.
I have no clue where to take my next step.

But truthfully,
I don't care anymore.

Because if I know where I'm going,
it takes out the fun.

and if I know where to take my next step,
I lose the adventure of learning new things,
seeing what I'm good at,
finding out what else I might like in life,
meeting new people,
and plain out LIVING LIFE!


I've finished two goals,
now I got four more to go.

Wish me luck.
(:


Mwah.

O-ECS

Woah there.

Haha,
I know you read these.
And don't think these blogs are about him.
Because truthfully,
they aren't.


And yeah I got mad that we were supposed to chill.
So yeah I posted something.
Don't forget this is my venting thing.
Good or bad.


Yeah the trust thing shouldn't really be in there.
Seeing that one lie doesn't make my trust low.
But again, I was mad.
I had a gift for you and everything.



So yeah.
(:
I still love you kid-o,
even if you don't love me.
d:


~~~


Anyway,
I have come to realize the things I say a lot.
1) Woah there.
2) Hello there.
3) Crap I lost my cell phone again.
4) I'm cold.
5) Ugh.
6) Buh-Byee.
7) Mwah.
8) WHAT?
9) Dork.
10) Weak.


Oh, and what's weirder is my hair has been up.
Haha, gotta change that. d:
Everyone kept asking if I got a hair cut.
I was like does putting your hair but give you that effect?
COOL!
lol.


Today was kinda a sad atmosphere.
Must because it was Monday.


I CAN'T WAIT TILL FRIDAY!
I'm breaking a fear of mine.
Well, I mean I'm forcing myself to break it.
I'm hoping it will turn out well.
(:


OH!
I've made a new old friend. Haha.
Gosh,
it's cool.
We haven't talked in about 2 years.
So we decided to start over,
kinda.
It made my day today.
That and this feeling I got first block.


My mind has been filled with writing.
To bad I'm to lazy to write it out.
Well, that's a lie.
I'm writing it.
just SLOWLY!

And for the first time,
they aren't characters from the real world.
I finally made up people.
:o

Yeah, that's new for me.
Haha.


I'm gonna go now.
I wanna learn something new.


Mwah.

O-ECS

This is for you dear.

Truthfully,
this picture is there just because I like the picture.



This whole blog has to do with one person.
Someone who means so much to me.
He stepped into my life.
And he means pretty much the world to me.

He might read this,
I'm not sure.

But here I go.


You are simply amazing.
In every way.
What you have done in my life.
You took a step that not many others wanted to.

You showed me you cared.
You noticed when others didn't.
You listened when others talked.
You kept me safe while others hurt me.

You are always watching out for me.

I love that.

You are amazing.

I feel bad that I didn't notice it.

You are the sweetest guy ever.
Someone sent you my way.
I might have messed that up.
But you are still here.
Listening and caring.

Helping me lose some of that crazy
I have saved up in me.

Gosh.
I love you.

You are amazing.
Perfect almost.

Thank you for
Everything you have ever done.
Everything you are doing.
and
Everything that you might do in the future.


You will always have a place in my heart.


Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.


I love you hun.


I will pay you back one day.

O-ECS

Future me.

I'll be walking down a glass stair case,

into a beautiful, high class kitchen.

Which happens to be where I work,

or should I say, am the boss of.

Everyone will know me for amazing food.

I'll be taken,

but not married.

I'll have long hair that reaches midway down my back.

My personality,

I'll be outgoing,

I wont care what others think,

I'll show love,

I'll show that I finally believe,

I will should care,

I will be brave,

I'll be there,

I'll be the life of the party.

I'll live in an outstanding house.

Something no one has ever seen before.

Mostly because it will be designed by

Me.

I'll be smarter,

I will know what I should be doing with my life.

I know what I shouldn't do.

I will not get hurt.

I will know that he loves me.

I will know that a ring

doesn't really prove anything.

That we can prove to ourselves that we can do it.

I'll be able to travel.

I'll see everything.

I'll buy the world.

I'll model my heart out.

I'll do everything I've ever dreamed up.

It's getting harder to drift.

It's getting to that part where I don't understand.

Yet, I do understand.

Sing me a little song,

Dance a little dance,

Give me a little kiss.

We'll start over,

make this ending the new start.

When I twirl,

and stop to smile at you.

It's a good sign.

But,

when you smile back,

It's more then just a good sign.

You make me scream in joy.

Gosh,

you are simply amazing.

You always will be.

No matter what happens.

I'll dance with you till the stars go out.

And my heart is faded.

I'll sing with you till there are no more tunes.

and I'll give you a little kiss,

Just to show you the truth.

My heart is racing.

My heart is singing.

My heart is falling.

My heart is crying.

My heart is turning.

My heart is dancing.

My heart is warm.

My heart is showing you love.

(R)

Hug me one more time.

One last time.

Make me smile no one else can make.

Get me outta that shell.

Tell me I'm the one.

Tell me the truth.

Show me a feeling I can't seem to understand.

how be something new.

So me something old.

Old.

New.

Either way,

Mwah.

I'm thinking about you.

Because everyone needs someone to think about them.

I wonder if anyone is really thinking about me...

Who knows?

gnizama ylpmis era uoy

(:

buh-byee.

O-ECS