What now?

A lot of the times, people think about how bad they wanna go back in time to either:

• Change something
• They miss something
• Something they wanna repeat
• Or something else...person reasons

The only thing is...I think we should all stop...
maybe not forget, but continue.
Stop thinking so much about the past...
there is no way we can get back to that time,
it's over and long gone...even if it was yesterday.

I wont say that it will be easy because your mind focuses on something when you miss it.
Which makes it harder to let go.

Truthfully I forgot some of my past because I took everything that kinda hurt me,
and wrote it down in a notebook, and I haven't looked at the notebook since.

I'm not saying I forgot everything in there...because some people make you remember
what you wrote in that notebook.
But I started that notebook, so I could set aside part of my life,
that I never wanted to go back to.
and as I was hoping for...I never had to think about again.

But on the up note...LIVE HAS BEEN GREAT!
because I've been wanting great, and cooking...so I got homework to make cookies now.
Oh yeah, sorry for late posts...
computer wasn't working and school...and chilling with the boyfriend
have been making me slow. lol.
Think positive and think of what you want, but tell yourself you have it,
you will be surprised what life will start giving you.
:)

Buh-Byee.
O-ECS

Emotions?

I'm not sure if I really want to write about my emotions,
but I need a way to get everything out.
Yeah, I know I told you before, that I've been using this as a venting page...
Which means...you probably wont read most of these.


Emotions are a strong part of people's life.

This is the first time I've held a relationship somewhat long.
I finally got a feeling that this person means something to me.
I love the feeling...and by saying that, love is a feeling.

What does love mean?

love

/lʌv/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [luhv] noun, verb, loved, lov⋅ing.

–noun

1.	a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.	a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3.	sexual passion or desire.

4.	a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

5.	(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?

6.	a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.

7.	sexual intercourse; copulation.

8.	(initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.

9.	affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.

10.	strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.

11.	the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.

12.	the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.

13.	Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.

14.	a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.

–verb (used with object)

15.	to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.

16.	to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).

17.	to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.

18.	to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.

19.	to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.

20.	to have sexual intercourse with.

–verb (used without object)

21.	to have love or affection for another person; be in love.

Yeah, I know, to much?
I seem to be doing that lately.
But it can't be helped, it's kinda part of who I am.

Anyway, what is love to you?
I mean yeah it's something that may not be able to be explained by words,
and I understand that completely.
I mean, my friends have told me kinda...in a way what love really is...
again.."to them" what love is.

I guess I just have been really confused.




Alright, so I found this picture and thought is was very interesting,
my only problem was...how to you match a color to that emotion?

Like how does green have anything to do with fear?
I mean I understand sadness, I mean everyone does the. "why so blue?"
Purple to disgust?
Red I understand. Orange. yellow and the lighter green...I don't understand.

But I liked the picture..and it could help when I write my story.

Why is color mixed in with people's emotions?
Does that make sense to you guys?
I guess it kinda does for me, but for the most part, I'm not really sure.

I've been happy lately, which if very good.
But...I've had nightmares these last few days.
(Ironic that I am happy, and I have nightmares)
All the dreams have been about something bad...where I wake up crying.
Which then makes me all worried about real life,
but then I block it all out, and I'm in a happy mood.

I haven't figured how I turn it all around, but I'm glad I do.
I feel like throwing it out that is it is 9:33PM
and I still need to take a shower and do my homework for school
tomorrow...I normally go to bed at 9, but don't sleep till 11.
Do I have a messed up seclude?

Sadly I've lost my creative side.
I use to be known for drawing, or even writing...
but I lost my care for both, I haven't been able to even care
to really write or draw something good.
Do you think you have an answer to help me?

I really would like to be myself again,
but it may be I hold back from the real world now.

You know this is a really random post, seeming how I can never
stay on one subject when I type. :P

I guess I will go, but if you can...will you help me out a little?
Thanks, that would mean a lot to me, it really would.

Buh Bye,
O-ECS<3

So I was thinking...I always wanted to know what other people thought about me,
but they don't know what I'm thinking...
So, I thought, I'll write on here, my feelings for them...good or bad...but they truth of my feelings...

Dear Abe,
I told you a lot of stuff in the time I knew you, and truthfully you were one of the only people I remember I felt safe with knowing everything. Thank you for never telling anyone and always trying to help me out when I was in a bad mood. You are a great friend.

Dear Adam,
We use to be really close, but lately everything seems to be falling apart. I understand you have a lot going on, and you want to join the military. I'm gonna miss you, I hope we still can talk, and be like we use to when I first met you and we knew a lot about each other but I can't say I know you really well anymore. I still love you though!

Dear Amber,
I miss you, you use to be my best friend, I was with you all the time. We laughed about everything and nothing. i wish you never moved and I wish we talked more then we do now. Because it feels like we drift more and more every second.

Dear Anja,
You are what I call my Roll Model. You have an amazing personality which everyone should see as a positive note. A lot of people love you because you know how to have fun. You made me laugh and I miss you, and I'm glad that we still talk, and that I know you are there for me. Thank you so much Anja for everything.

Dear Anton,
Haha, you are my brother's friend. I don't even really talk to you at all. I just remember being in Colorado and I was able to talk to you and Daniel, pretty much about anything. I know I was annoying, I was little. Thank you though.

Dear Aunt Chris,
You are amazing, you watched after my brothers and I. You where always there for me and I love it. You mean so much to me, thank you for everything. You are my fav. aunt. :D

Dear Brian,
You are chill and I mean I never really had anything bad happen with you. I will say I'm very sorry, but I know that will not make up for what I did to you. I wish I could make up for it, but I'm not sure how. You were and are always nice to me, thank you.

Dear Bryan,
You are so amazing. I feel like you are an older brother for me. you make me laugh. We have the weirdest times together...or should I say...we use to have the weirdest times together. I use to hangout with you almost every weekend...and then we slowly grew apart. It made me sad that people I thought I could always go to slowly disappeared outta my life. I miss you.

Dear Christian,
You were always a sweetheart to me, even though I was sad that we didn't talk after our break up, but I guess I understand that now. I am sorry I said that to you a little while after the break up, I know I didn't mean it...but something wanted me to say it...maybe the point I still had no clue what I was doing. Thanks though, for coming back, and being there for me as a friend now.

Dear Corben,
You are amazing, that seems to be the word we use the most for each other. Amazing. The way you make me feel is truly indescribable. Every time we are together, we are able to talk and laugh, I love when you hold me, the cold just disappears and I'm left in your warmth. Every moment when I am with you, I wish time would just freeze so the moments never end.

Dear Dakota,
You are so sweet, but you are not what I look for in a guy. I'm sorry I'm not there for you like you wish I would be. I am glad I met you, you are a very nice friend, but I'm sorry that, that is all I see you as.

Dear David,
Hello there, How's it going? Thanks, for being there for me all the time, yeah things may have changed, and yeah they may not be as I thought they might have turned out. But at least I can say he was my best friend, at one point...MS we use to be so close to each other, even though all of us there fought like crazy. Somehow in the end we were always close to each other. GH for the win right? haha...miss you.

Dear Dylan,
Thank you, you helped me a lot growing up, more then I would believe. I mean I had to really think about it, but then it hit me in one big blast, you did a lot for me. You are sweet, but I think you can be mean at times to, You also contradict yourself a lot, which makes me kinda mad, but I try not to deal with it. I'm glad that we do act more like friends then we did a while ago, but I wish we could just put are past FULLY behind us.

Dear Gage,
You are one of my closer friends, I was able to talk to you about a lot. Even though you joke on me, you make me laugh. It's easy to be myself around you because both of us do stupid crap all the time. I always looked as you as my older brother kinda person, maybe because in a weird way, you are a lot like my real ones. I just wish you would make smarter choices sometimes, but I wouldn't change you.

Dear Jennifer,
I think it was funny how we became friends, I mean I know it wasn't the greatest time or place to become friends, but hey, it works right? You are easy to talk to, I mean I know you wont tell anyone if I ask you not to. We laugh about...well everything. We know that we can act how ever around each other, and not judge...in a negative way anyway. Thanks for always being there for me.

Dear Jenny,
You mean so much to me, I use to be with you 24/7. We knew each other better then we knew ourselves, but like everything good, it ends. We slowly started to grow apart as we both got older, and because I moved. I miss you like crazy, and I really wish I could see you again. We have so many memories, and so many inside jokes. You are the best friend a person could ask for.

Dear Jessica,
We use to be best friends, well that's how I always saw it. I know there was points where you never really liked me, but I never knew till now. I thought you where an amazing person when I was around you, I still think you are, we may not know each other as well as we use to, but I still miss you a ton. We always had a ton of fun doing the randomest stuff. I miss you so much, and I really wish I could see you again.

Dear Joe,
You are a great guy, you keep me safe, and I never have to worry about getting hurt. Yeah you joke on me a lot, but you are easy to chill with and be friends with. I'm glad I got to get to really know you over the summer and be closer as friends.

Dear Josh,
We have been through a lot, and sadly...I fell like we don't even know each other anymore. I really dislike that thought also. Since everyone use to know we were best friends. Now it's more like no one even knows we know each other. I miss how things use to be with you.

Dear Katy,
You are out of everyone I know, my best friend. You where the only person I have never fought with. Even being to far away from each other, I can still go to you to talk about things you don't understand, but still try to help out with. I'm glad I got to meet you Katy, you are the most amazingest person I have EVER met.
:D

Dear Kerry,
I get along better with you then most of the others, yeah we still fight, I guess that's normal. I know I can trust you with a lot but there is times I'm not sure what I can say to you. Sometimes I feel like we drift apart then pull ourselves back as close friends then drift and so on. Is that weird? You mean a lot to me Kerry and I'm glad I got to meet and know you.

Dear Michelle,
I'm glad I met you. Outta everyone here in Virginia, I've known you the longest. We use to get along a lot better then we do now, but we are both changing for the better? Who knows. I know that I will always be there for you, because even though we get in fights, I still call you my best friend, and everyone knows we are there for each other, and if you mess with one, you mess with the other. You really are like a sister. Even though sometimes we just don't get along.

Dear Patrick,
You do make me mad sometimes, but you make me laugh at the same time. Yeah you talk behind everyone's back, and yes, you say you don't and everyone then gets mad at you, But I can't help that you do that to yourself. I think you should learn to shut your mouth, and just stop saying things negative about people...didn't your mama ever tell you if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all?

Dear Ricky,
I think lately has gone a lot better for us then our past. I mean, you have changed, you don't through around the word love anymore, you don't hit on me anymore. We are finally able to be just friends, and for the longest time, that's all I wanted from you. I'm glad we can joke about other people, and say "hey I'm glad we aren't stupid like we were last year." and now we are happy for each other and the relationships we are in. I am glad though that we are talking again.

Dear Ryan,
What to say..what to say..Maybe we shouldn't have said anything at all? Maybe that whole trip should have been just one big lie. Is that right to say? Idk...I'm glad it's not like it was when we were on our trip, as to now. I'm glad now, we act way more like we should. I don't understand why we were like that. It wasn't us. We knew better. So what went wrong? You still mean a lot to me, but in a different way. I'm glad that we kinda talk again though.

Dear Ryan,
I haven't known you for long, but it's easy to talk to you. I mean sometimes you make me mad, but I know I can get a laugh from you, which makes life always a little better. You are sweet, and I'm glad you aren't like the others who make me want to punch them in the face. I'm sure in time, if we keep in touch, that I could probably call you one of my best friends.

Dear Zack,
You scared me for the longest time. I'm not sure why...but the first time I really talked to you...you asked a lot of personal questions, but you did help take care of the 2 crazy people running around. Haha, I didn't want to see you down that one day, I tried to make you smile, which I'm proud to say, It worked :D I really am glad we are friends, even though you can make me mad sometimes.

So I guess this is where I will end it.
These are the people that came to mind first.
And That is how I truly feel.

Sorry if you're not happy with it...

Buh bye.

My friend said I should read this book.
So, why not?

This book is about a guy named Clay that gets a box.
When he opens it he finds 7 tapes.
13 stories.
On them is Hannah.
Telling her 13 people that made a snowball effect in her life,
that made her want to commit suicide.
This box is passed along to the 13 people on the tapes
in order.

She is a teen.
And they are in high school.

That is how her story was passed along.

I think it's sad.
276,000 people between the ages 15-25 yrs try to kill themselves every year;
5000 succeed.

If you are thinking of suicide I think you should call:
1-800-784-2433 aka 1-800-SUICIDE
or
1-800-273-8255 aka 1-800-273-TALK
or visit this web site to find places near you.
http://suicidehotlines.com/

Suicide isn't the answer.
You may not see it now,
But there is a spot in life waiting for you somewhere
around the world.
I think everyone was born on Earth for a reason.

And if you ever need to talk to someone about something,
and the hotlines are helping...
I am here also
but I may not be as good as them
but I am here to listen.
and here to help if you need a friend.

I want to make a difference.

I think everyone should continue to see the light of the next day.

Truthfully I wish life was easy.
And, now everyone comes to me complaining about their life.
Which I find ironic...because that use to be me.


I've been trying to give advise,
I try to make people happier...but is that my job?
I mean, I know I'm not the best at it.

I just want to see others happy.

Someone came up to me today, and at first said he was sorry.
Then are talk got deeper.
And he said he just didn't care about life...that he just gave up.

I can't watch people do that to them selves.
For some odd reason it hurts me.
So, I talked to him.
I told him...

"Life isn't easy, No one ever said it was going to be, You have one life. spend it the way you want. but my advise is to LIVE IT! don't give up just because things are getting hard, it's high school and yus, everything is going to seem mixed up and hard. But if you try to care and try to give a crap about whats going on and have fun, everything hard isn't going to be as hard, and don't start talking about people behind their backs. HAVE FUN. and if you died tomorrow is that how you want to spend life, saying "i gave up." I'm not saying it's going to be a piece of cake to make everything better, but it really is better to try to start down this path of life."

Was that the right thing to say?
Am I wrong to step into someone Else's life?

I do have to say, that I got most of the way I think from my roll model.
She's an amazing person,
who I am very glad to say I have met.
She has made an impact into my life.
:)

Anyway, maybe this is my personal thoughts,
but even if life is getting hard,
I think everyone should start on a path
to look at the positive...I'm not saying that will be easy.
It does help though.
At least it has for me.
And my friends can tell you, I use to be the one that said,
"my life sucked"
Then I started to try to look at a better view on life.
And, now life is easier, I wont say it's perfect, or even good yet.
But, It is easier.

I don't know, sorry if you don't understand me.
But, really...I think everyone should just take a positive path
on the road called life.
<3

Thank you so much by the way...(roll model) If you didn't walk into my life,
I truthfully don't know what I would be like right now.
You showed me, even though everything could be bad,
that there is no reason to be in a bad mood as well.
You told me...
"If I died tomorrow...is that how I wanted to live me life?"
"Would I wanna die, saying I never finished any of my goals?"

Now that's what runs in my head.
Maybe it should run through yours too.

But thank you again, you are amazing!
<3

There is always that someone...
That you are not going to forget.
Everyone has someone.
I mean you could be in a relationship, single, married..
whatever.

But there is going to be that "one" someone,
you will never ever forget.

I know I have a few people like that.
I wont list them, but...yeah.
It brings you down, maybe because
you never get to see them,
or maybe it's because you live super far away from them,
maybe they hurt you so bad...but you still care,
or even maybe...they are gone.

I guess that's why I have been in such
a up and down mood.

I think to much...

I truly miss so many people,
and I mean I probably say a lot about them,
I can't help it!

All I know is I'm not letting it hold me back.
I'm moving forward.
I don't want to fall apart and say good-bye to everything.
But for sure, I will always have moments
where i go back and think about them.

///////////////////////////////////////////

People

I know this maybe not something everyone cares to know about.
But I wanna put it out there...
why?
I have no clue.
:D

Person #1
You make me feel amazing,
you make me feel like someone and not just like I'm walking around clueless.
Whenever I am with you I get a jolt of happiness,
and a dash of nervousness.
When you hold me I feel safe,
and warm on a cold day.
When you kiss me, I lose any thoughts on my mind,
besides that you are amazing.
And when I'm just with you and talk,
I feel away from the world...like no ones around but us.
I can't lie to you,
you make my heart race!
I get butterflies, and the simple thoughts of...
"how long will this really last..?"
I truthfully hope this really does last.
You are the most sweetest, nice, amazing guy ever.
<3

Person #2
I have to say you were always there for me.
Time after time I went to you for help.
I didn't think at first,
I would be able to trust you.
But you VERY much showed me wrong.
I do miss how things use to be.
I mean I wish we were as close as we use to be.
I still trust you, and I'm glad I know you.

Person #3
I MISS YOU!
You said nothing would change and that you would always
be there for me.
I should have known that would have changed,
but I guess I just really wanted that to be true...
When I see you again...what's gonna happen?
Are we friends?
I'm glad I met you though, no matter how you treat me.

Person #4&5
You two are amazing.
I'm glad I met both of you.
Like #2 you guys help me out a lot.
It's awkward at times...or maybe that's just me.
And yus, there is also some anger thrown out at you.
but we always know how to deal with that kinda of stuff.
I'm just really glad I met you guess, and that we are close.

Person #6
Please.
Don't be like everyone else!
I need you in my life.
No, I don't mean want...I mean NEED!
Everyone else could disappear (yus, I would break down)
but, I know you would try as hard as you could to put
me right back into my normal mood.
I'm glad that you are always around when I need you.

Mood?


What can I say for that...?
Everyone has moods or feelings.

Lately, mine have been getting to me.
I get scared so much,
But yet...I'm still happy,
and of course...I still have tears fall from my eyes.

All in one day.

Scared- Of everything falling apart,
that any second he could walk right outta my life,
Things that are silly, I get scared of.

Happy- Friends,
Having a great time with family,
Feeling loved,
Knowing he is there for me.

Tears- Hurt,
Feeling worthless,
Like you can't help,
Lost.


Again, I'm not sure where I'm going with this.
This has kinda been my venting system.
Well till I can find a better way to let everything out.


I'm tired of being left out there!
Like being left behind. (picture related.)

Or being ignored, that stuff has just steamed my anger...
or my thought of worthlessness.
It's not like I wanna be worthless, I'm not like that.
I always wanna feel like I can be there for people,
and help them out.

Lately though,
I haven't been able to help anyone.
It makes me feel bad,
and it doesn't help when I'm trying to help someone,
they say rude things,
like that I wasn't help at all...and walks away from you.

It makes you hurt inside.

Do you understand?

And just because you understand something,
doesn't mean you will have an answer to help them...does it?

I'm so confused.

Thank you Corben.
You really helped me out though.
<3

Buh Bye.

Kinda how I wanted life to be like...

I'm can't lie.. How I'm living life is nothing of how I wanted it. I always wanted to be that girl, who never showed emotions, wouldn't really ever tell you anything.. but that's hard to live up to. When you are naturally emotional. Then I can't seem to shut my mouth when it comes to my 3 best friends...and I wish I kinda didn't tell them as much. I mean I trust them, I really do! Just...We do get in fights... and what if something takes a bad turn? I don't know, I guess I always thought about the worse. Which is something I always wanted to change. So, When I started this school year that came by pretty fast. I told myself, I was going to make a change.

My changing goals...

1. I want to be positive, no more sad crap.
2. I will not break a tear in front of anyone.
3. My life is mine, and I don't need to tell people everything.
4. I'm going to live life to the fullest//no regrets.
5. I'm going to become closer to my family.

I want this change, because then maybe I can help those people
I said I wanted to make an impact on...

I started...

I would just like to start out that I did start this because I think it would be easier to read my friends blogs, lol. I guess I will write blogs as well. I mean, why not right?

This is what everyone is looking for in life.
Am I wrong?
Everyone takes life in different paths to hit
what they think happiness is.
That's also why a lot of people are different, because of how they see things.
No one will ever be the same,
and that includes the people you dislike or hate.
You may not like them, but think...
they probably think the same of you,
because you may do something they don't like.

There are also people that have been in so much,
and a smile means a lot to them.
They change their world, because they want to see others smile as well.

Everyone does different things because of how there life has been set up for them.

So, I told myself...I can't judge anymore...
I mean yeah, I'll probably still do it,
and everyone pretty much does it...

Judging isn't always bad.

But, I mean I want to step into someone's life,
and have a helping meaning
but not for my standers.
Like I don't want to change them so they are more like me,
I want to help just to make people more
comfortable about life.

I just want to help other people to find THEIR happiness.