I refuse to say it.

I don't want to say it,
I don't know what to say.
What else can I say?
Should I say it?
Do I wanna say it?
I don't want to say it.
I refuse to have to say it.
I know I shouldn't say it.
It isn't something to say.


My mind hurts.

Hehe,
eeeeppp.

Oh gosh.


Mwah.

O-ECS

I scare myself.

You know what I just noticed?
Is that I try to hide so much from everyone...
like my parents...
so I tried to never type anything out where
I thought they would read it,
only because I knew I would be in a ton of SHIT!


Then,
I noticed...they can't read my blogger...
nor my other blogging account.


I also went over the list of things I talk A LOT about...
because those are the things you "love"

so...

my "love" list:

1) Work
2) (C)
3) Brothers
4) New things.




So,
I found out this guy likes me.
At first I couldn't tell.
Last night though...he made it clear.
But...you...see...
there is a tad bit of a problem...like always.

and I'm not even sure how I feel.


ugh.


Mwah.

O-ECS

Click Click Click.

I wanna type.
I wanna type out my world
of moods.
I wanna type my heart out into words.


But,
every time I try...
it never gets close to how I feel.



Can I ask you something?
Why are you always in my room?

but it's never just you...it's him too...
Does that mean...?
NO!!
I wont agree to it.
NO..NO NO NO NO NO!!!

It's all in my mind.
I'll just make it all go away!




(J)
Mawalan ko kayo
I wish I could change things.


It's freezing cold!!!
D:
...see...now would be an amazing time to have someone special...

Stupid hole...


Mwah.

O-ECS

Why?

5/23

Yeah,
it got to me.

No matter how content I am with the situation...
it still hurts.

I mean I'm not gonna go off like I did
on my other blogger...but yeah.


ANYWAY!!

I went into work today,
even though I was off.
(:

(P)
IS SO SUPER AMAZING!!

hehe.


I didn't have to seem him.
Thank god.
Woulda been awkward on me.


//


When I think
right now...
I can say I don't like anyone.

But,
when I'm around one of the these
four guys.
I act different.
I know I'm acting different,
and I truly hate it.
So, why can't I act normal?
Is it lust?


Wow,
just read that lust is associated
with cows and the color blue.


You know what I miss?
And this has been on my mind since the asian
brought it up.
She asked,
"Why do you wanna get in a relationship so fast?"
I said,
"Fast? It's been 2 months..."
She said,
"Well not fast, so bad?"
Then I shut up.


Later that day,
my friend and I got into this talk.
Venting but not?
We do this weird thing.
He asked if I knew what Love was.
I told him, no...I don't believe in it.
He kinda agreed.
I told him he should go back out and date.
He said no.
I asked why?
He said, I'm tired of getting hurt.

I laughed at little at myself.

Then told him,
you have to learn to get up from those falls.

He asks,
"How do you do it?"

I said,
"I think about how I felt when I was with that last person.
That I wanna feel that feeling all the time,
and I wont feel that, doing nothing."

"What do you miss?"


So,
I listed things I missed.
Then told him,
"If I found a relationship,
as good or even better then that,
I wouldn't have to miss it anymore,
and yeah maybe I might get hurt,
but I'll just wanna find that feeling all over again.
It keeps me busy with life."

Then our conversation ended.
I got sleepy.


//


So,
working on a story.
It's not to great.
):

But it's better then nothing.

It's kinda like
my person thought of what people
REALLY think of me.

hmmm.


(Dbb)
Why do I like you?
UGH!!!
):

(RS)
I don't think I like you anymore.
(:
So, we really can
be just friends.

(EJ)
I think I'm getting over you.
You make me mad sometimes.
So, idk.

(PITB)
I don't even know where
to start with you.
I like you,
I don't like you,
I like you,
and guess what?
I don't.

So the four is now down to two.


Mwah.

O-ECS

Holy crap.

If it couldn't get worse.

Haha, it didn't,
don't worry.
Today was pretty good.
(:


Yeah,
that means it has to do with work.

d:

I really do love this place.

So,
I'll start with that all the cooks
when they tell me I have an order up,
most are like Irish, Cup, IRISH!
something alone that line.
But, (L) says sweetheart.
Calms me down for the day.
(:

Then you have the drunk women,
I swear if I have to say excuse me one more time.
I might just flip.

Male dancers are funny/weird.
Not fun to have to see though.
Funny to see though.
Pink Fairy.

"Little gangsta, go go."

(DBB)
I was hoping to get out sooner then you being there.
Guess it's my luck.
Yummy fries though.
Haha.
...thank you btw.
^.~


(JBM)
You are so amazing.
Love is a strong emotion,
if you believe in it.
YOU NEED TO SLEEP THOUGH!
I mean dang boy, 7?
How do you still have an all around amazing mood still?
Funny and super strong.

(JBG)
Thank you for the paths.
I wanted to kick them though.
Stop moving my sour cream.

(BGs)
YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING!!!

(Tmd)
That last comment you said to me,
before I left.
It wasn't something..
I thought I would hear from you.
Thanks.
That really did mean a lot to me.
(:


(N/C)
I really got to know about you guys today.
It was super amazing.
I love just chatting with you guys.

(RS)
Wow,
17?
This is sooo gonna be a cute gift.
haha.
(:

(Mbt)
Dude that was so funny
to see written into the counters...
to bad I was the one who had to clean it.
d:
Chill out a little btw.
Everything is gonna be okie dokie.



No tip out today.
Bought one shirt today.
Buying the second one tomorrow.


(L)
YOU ARE AMAZING!
:D
I gave you a hug today,
haha.


I know I'm forgetting something
I'm gonna wanna add.


OH!

I fell at work today.
d:
I'm okay though.


WORK IS THE BEST! :D
my kitchen. ^.~


Mwah.

O-ECS

"Your sorry eyes cut through bone
Make it hard to leave you alone
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new

Baby, you're a lost
Baby, you're a lost
Baby, you're a lost cause

There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming
They see you go
They know your secrets
And you know theirs
This town is crazy
Nobody cares

Baby, you're a lost
Baby, you're a lost
Baby, you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

There's a place where you are going
You ain't never been before
No one laughing at your back now
No one's standing at your door
That's what you thought love was for

Baby, you're a lost
Baby, you're a lost
Baby, you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause "


Sometimes there is things
that no one can fix,
but yourself.

That's normal.

No one will always be there for you.
I learned that.

Maybe that's why I feel so alone.
Because at one point I learned,
no one is always going to be there for me.
No one keeps all the promises they made.
And no one is going to keep everything safe.

Everything I have ever said...
has became public,
I learned no one will keep your words safe.
Which hurts.

(REC)
At one point in life,
somehow...everything changed.
Good or bad...
I'm not sure.

Made me happy,
then made me crash
then happy again.

Horrible.

Amazing.

I'm always at thought.
Well...I guess everyone is always at thought,
but the point is,
the thought never left.
You never left,
at some point
I had a smile then a frown
then right back to a smile.

So, I noticed something today.
Which for me..was a fail.
I dislike the point I realized it.
It's wrong, I know that.
Oh, I very much know.


AHH!!!

Yesterday was my concert.
(A) Didn't show up...
Bro got super pissed.
He wanted to go.
I'm done with (A)
This is like the 100th time,
you ditched on us,
not giving us a heads up!
I'M SICK OF IT!
):


More then just a little confused...

Mwah.

O-ECS

DUN DUN DUNNNNN

Why am I so emotional?
Why am I so confused?

I wanna get on the first plane I can...
and just LEAVE!!

///

Why do I dream of a world of hope,
when all there is left is dope?

Save the giver,
Give a saver.

Can you not see it?
The sticky note on my head saying,
"I Like You."
Is it really that hard to notice?
Or do you just not notice me?


///


I'm not sure when it happened,
but you became a little nicer.
Which is odd.
I like it though.


///


AHH MY FOOTS ASLEEP!!!
>.< ...it tickles... /// 2 more days. Why am I so scared about it? Ugh... Stupid mind. Mwah.

O-ECS

Life.

I've seen the changes I've made in my life.
The looks I've taken on.

So why can't I just change again?

///


I'm cold.
Warm me up?
Haha.


Why is it I wont tell you I have a crush on you?
Why is it I'm scared?


I have this feeling inside that says I should dance.

Omg, I told (P) that I wrote about work.
And how it was my sanctuary.
She understood.
I'm so happy.
(:


I can't wait for next Friday!!
List:
New clothes.
Hair cut.
Pedicure.
Maybe a manicure.
Buying make up.
Oh, and buying hair spray,
(it will be needed...maybe. haha)

Gosh, I really can't wait.

New look will have new personality,
that fits.

YAY!


My life is nothing like you would understand.
^.~


Mwah.

O-ECS

Forty-Five.

Gosh,
if there isn't a singer I love more than Miyavi..
then I don't even know anymore.
d:

"Yume wa yume no mama, dakara yume nanda yo.
Nante sabishii koto iu na yo.
Yume miru no ga TADA nara kanaeru mo TADA desho.
Kyou mo BEDDO de IMETORE shiyou."

aka

"A dream is still a dream. That's why it's a dream.
Don't say sad things like that.
If dreaming is free, then making it come true is too.
Let's Image-Train in bed."


This song is pretty amazing.

"Mayoi koto nakare. Hiromu koto nakare. Me wo sorasu koto nakare.
Utagau koto nakare. Kanashimu koto nakare. Tachidomaru koto nakare. "

aka

"Don't get lost, don't cower. Don't look away.
Don't doubt, don't feel sad, Don't stop."



Truthfully,
I need a little push.
Something to keep me going.
Friends to show me they are there.
And people to understand.

I understand
that I can't be friends with
everyone I want to be
friends with.
But that trying never hurt anyone.
Well...maybe.
Haha.



Gosh music is AMAZING!
(:


So, I found a list of foods.
Which made me wanna find more.
Which ended with a never ending list of pictures.

haha.
I love food.


"As grass and flowers cannot grow without water
As people can't live without dreams, I too... therefore."


I just wanted to let you know...
I learned something.
Something no one would NOW believe I would say.
So, here it is.

I wasn't in love with you.
I didn't even love you.
Because guess what?
I don't know what love is.
I don't know it's real.
I don't believe in it.
Not now,
Not then,
Not here,
Not there,
Not ever.


With a puff of smoke, no doubt.
And a ranch on the side.

I'll get by.


Mr.God smile those perfect teeth my way.
Swing your long brown hair outta your face.
Look those soulful eyes at me.
And say those 3 words I never knew.



I'm a new person.
Is that why I can't fit in with my old friends?
I wonder...


Can't wait till next Friday,
The new me look starts.

Buh byee,
I have to get ready for work now.


Mwah.

O-ECS

Am i just gonna keep adding?

~*YESTERDAY*~

So,

I didn't get any my feet off the ground hugs.

Well none that I can remember.

He did hold me for a while though.

I love being in his warmth.

My next week is pretty much filled.

Which is pretty amazing.

~*TODAY*~


So,
today at school,
in PE.
I played forever kickball.
It really is like a never ending thing of kickball.
It's crazy.
Well I was running my third lap to get the home run.
I was about to get tagged out,
so I dove for the base.
Doing like a barrel roll.
I jacked up my knee doing so.

Which brings me to work today...

Work:
HURT LIKE HELL!
and what sucks more,
is that Friday's are rush days.
So I pretty much died today.

But I love the play SO much.

Like before really working,
Danny and I made a war.
We do this like every time.

Well, him and my brother...
came up with the best plan ever.
I really was clueless.

Plan:
Daniel tells me he needs some onions,
so I was on my way to the walk in,
well the dry storage is right next to it.
and out pops Danny...screaming!
I don't remember what I said,
but I think it was something around..
"HOLY SHIT!!"
Then Danny goes,
Oh btw,
Daniel doesn't need the onions.
Then I hear Daniel from the back go,
"Did it work?"
I ran over to him,
and kicked him in the butt.
Like I really kicked him.
Danny is lucky he isn't blood,
or else I would have kicked him too.
d:

I was shaking!
It was sooo bad.
):
Danny always wins the wars...
I'm scared to easy.


He told me that he got paid for scaring me.
Weak.


Back to work:
Because I jacked up my knee from PE
work was really hell.
I couldn't stand walking.
Which is kinda all I do,
since I'm a food runner.
But it was chill.
I finished the day.
Worked hard.



///


My world is interesting.


Mwah.

O-ECS

Boii, there you go again.

It's almost like dreaming.

But,
It's real.

~*YESTERDAY*~

Again,
you start that class with a hug.
You know,
your super amazing ones,
where my feet don't touch the ground.

Since we have time before the block,
we chill and talk.
While C sits on my girl.
You laugh and grab me,
so I'm sitting on your lap.
Your hand around my waist,
and we all chillin like that is totally normal.

Class begins.

Laughing about the stuff conversations we have in that class.

Then the eye looking starts,
which is more I look at him when he says something funny.
Then we laugh,
and he mouths something
about how weird this class is.
Which it is.


Then the bell rings for us to leave.

There we go again,
his arm around me.

We walk out to the outside group,
and he stays with my girl and I for a little.

He had given me like 20 more hugs,
all of them being where my feet don't meet the ground.

Then him and I walked to the bus.
On our way home,
we were talking.
I forgot what was said,
but he says
"HIGH FIVE...wait HAND SEX!"
I laugh.
Then we have hand sex.
Aka
pretty much just holding each others hands.
With fingers laced with each others.

Then,
I walk off the bus.
Not being able to stop smiling.



~*TODAY*~

Again,
I don't seem him till the last block of the day.
As soon as I walk into lunch,
there he is.

As soon has he sees me,
my feet are off the ground once again.
I giggle,
then almost fall over as he sets me down,
which keeps his hands around me for
a little bit longer.
Just to make sure I'm okay.

He couldn't stay in lunch since he had a test or something.
So he left.

I made new friends. :D

Then the bell was about to ring,
and he was there again.
Once again,
toes off the ground,
me almost falling.
Him holding me still.

Walking to the outside group.
Run in with my Asian.
He puts his arm around me again.
High five-ing.
Couldn't lace our fingers because my jacket was in the way.

He gives me one more hug,
feet on the ground.
And he goes off on his own way.

Again,
I can't stop smiling.



Now.
Before we start the
"what ifs"
^.~

I'm scared.
Screaming inside major.
Shaking head to toe.

It's not a dream,
only because it is real.

Dreams,
I can get what I want.

Real life,
I don't get what I want.



Saving money up
to get new outfits.

So I can start on the new me.

If no one likes me,
well that sucks for them.

Because I'm happy to be who I am.

All I have to think is they
lost something pretty fricken amazing.



Mwah.

O-ECS

Mother's day.

Happy Mother's Day to those who are mothers.
(:


I bought lunch
for the family.
Then gave my mommy
gifts.
Then my brother paid for dinner,
at where we work.
(He had to work, I was off.)

It was pretty great.
First,
AW- came up. She waited on us.
Then,
LW-came up and talked to us for a little.
Next,
JC and BC- came out at the same time.
Then,
My brother came out to drop off our food he made us.
After,
RB-saw me and said hello to me and the family.
Next,
PM-Gave me a hug and said hello to the family.
Next,
CW-Said her hellos as well.
Finally,
JB-Saw me and made me laugh.


Gosh work is amazing.
^.~



This week has been amazing.
I just want to dance around in circles.
(:


I'm looking, I am.
<3


I

C
a
n
'
t

W
a
i
t

T
i
l
l

F
r
i
d
a
y
.

W
i
l
l

Y
o
u

D
o

I
t
?


Hmm,
I'll have to wait an see.
<3



:D
:D
:D
:D

Mwah.

O-ECS

41.

Completed yet another goal.
I feel good about myself.


Blogging the rest on my other blogging sight.

Ghost whispers made me sad!

I wanted to know what happened between Sam and the main person!

UGH!!!

hahaha,
oh well.


Anyway plans tomorrow.
(:

I don't think I'm gonna go to the doctor.


Anyway, tired.

Nighty night.
Sleep tight.
Sleep well.
Sweet dreams.
Peaceful thinking...or dreaming?

haha,
NIGHT!

Mwah.

O-ECS

So...

I might not use blogger anymore.

I found a new blogging sight.
And,
I like it a little better.

...
Idk.


I might blog on both.
Haha.


Like post different things depending
on what I'm posting about.


You know?



So,
I was talking to one of my friends,
the only one I told,
because she knows him...

she asked why I liked him...
if he was such an ass...

I told her because he's never really been mean to me..
when he is,
he always adds I'm joking I LOVE YOU!!
then gives me one of his amazing pick up hugs.

She says:
Yeah there are things to like about him,
I see that.

Me:
Guys suck.


haha, then we switched conversations.



But really,
walking outta the lunch room to go back to Bio class,
I felt like I was dating him.

My girl and me were walking,
but they(2 guys from class) had gotten outta the lunch line first,
so they had gotten up when they saw us.
The first thing he did when walking over to them,
was he put his arm around my waist,
and we walked to class.

Till we saw a friend and my girl and me gave him a hug.
then we walked normally.


Truthfully though.
I don't know how much more of it I can take.

I mean I know he's mean,
so that's why I don't wanna deal.
But idk, BLAHHHH!!!


Anyway!!!


Yeah so got a new blogging sight,
which is pretty cool.


Get to work today. :D
I love my family.

And I broke another goal today. (:
I get to brake another tonight. (:

GOOD GOOD GOOD!


:D
:D
:D
:D


Loving Life.


MWAH!

O-ECS

Happy
Mexican army's victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla
Day!!


Haha, Cinco De Mayo.




So,
my music is playing.
It's sailing my soul far away right now.



My heart flew a little today.
It was very scary.

Gosh,
every time you hug me...
it's so amazing!

Walking outta school,
and you just held me.

You did,
what I've been asking for.
Not like asking for out loud,
more what I've been thinking.
I wished someone would just hold me,
show me they care.

You did just that.
You showed me you cared.
Yeah, maybe we aren't more then friends.
I'm PERFECTLY fine with that.
We promised no matter what our feelings were,
being friends was way more important.
I agree 100%.

But when you pick me up,
twirl me,
we almost fall over,
your arm is around me,
you tickle me,
you don't move away from me when I hold you like that,
we have a "baby" haha,
we have a lot of inside jokes,
and when you said you wouldn't ruin my life,
also you said you would be there for me.

For some reason,
when someone says they'll be there for me,
a smile will show up on my face.
Because it gives me such a warm feeling inside.

Anyway,
You are amazing, sweet, and sometimes a pain.
Haha, but I still love you.

Thank you so much dear,
for everything really.



"'Cause if I'm restless then why do I
I want nothing but to rest my soul?
And I don't get this and I know why
You see sometimes things are just beyond control"



I feel strong.
Like emotionally.
It's super amazing.

I wanna dance. d:


I have no clue where I'm going.
I have no clue where to take my next step.

But truthfully,
I don't care anymore.

Because if I know where I'm going,
it takes out the fun.

and if I know where to take my next step,
I lose the adventure of learning new things,
seeing what I'm good at,
finding out what else I might like in life,
meeting new people,
and plain out LIVING LIFE!


I've finished two goals,
now I got four more to go.

Wish me luck.
(:


Mwah.

O-ECS

Woah there.

Haha,
I know you read these.
And don't think these blogs are about him.
Because truthfully,
they aren't.


And yeah I got mad that we were supposed to chill.
So yeah I posted something.
Don't forget this is my venting thing.
Good or bad.


Yeah the trust thing shouldn't really be in there.
Seeing that one lie doesn't make my trust low.
But again, I was mad.
I had a gift for you and everything.



So yeah.
(:
I still love you kid-o,
even if you don't love me.
d:


~~~


Anyway,
I have come to realize the things I say a lot.
1) Woah there.
2) Hello there.
3) Crap I lost my cell phone again.
4) I'm cold.
5) Ugh.
6) Buh-Byee.
7) Mwah.
8) WHAT?
9) Dork.
10) Weak.


Oh, and what's weirder is my hair has been up.
Haha, gotta change that. d:
Everyone kept asking if I got a hair cut.
I was like does putting your hair but give you that effect?
COOL!
lol.


Today was kinda a sad atmosphere.
Must because it was Monday.


I CAN'T WAIT TILL FRIDAY!
I'm breaking a fear of mine.
Well, I mean I'm forcing myself to break it.
I'm hoping it will turn out well.
(:


OH!
I've made a new old friend. Haha.
Gosh,
it's cool.
We haven't talked in about 2 years.
So we decided to start over,
kinda.
It made my day today.
That and this feeling I got first block.


My mind has been filled with writing.
To bad I'm to lazy to write it out.
Well, that's a lie.
I'm writing it.
just SLOWLY!

And for the first time,
they aren't characters from the real world.
I finally made up people.
:o

Yeah, that's new for me.
Haha.


I'm gonna go now.
I wanna learn something new.


Mwah.

O-ECS

This is for you dear.

Truthfully,
this picture is there just because I like the picture.



This whole blog has to do with one person.
Someone who means so much to me.
He stepped into my life.
And he means pretty much the world to me.

He might read this,
I'm not sure.

But here I go.


You are simply amazing.
In every way.
What you have done in my life.
You took a step that not many others wanted to.

You showed me you cared.
You noticed when others didn't.
You listened when others talked.
You kept me safe while others hurt me.

You are always watching out for me.

I love that.

You are amazing.

I feel bad that I didn't notice it.

You are the sweetest guy ever.
Someone sent you my way.
I might have messed that up.
But you are still here.
Listening and caring.

Helping me lose some of that crazy
I have saved up in me.

Gosh.
I love you.

You are amazing.
Perfect almost.

Thank you for
Everything you have ever done.
Everything you are doing.
and
Everything that you might do in the future.


You will always have a place in my heart.


Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.


I love you hun.


I will pay you back one day.

O-ECS

Future me.

I'll be walking down a glass stair case,

into a beautiful, high class kitchen.

Which happens to be where I work,

or should I say, am the boss of.

Everyone will know me for amazing food.

I'll be taken,

but not married.

I'll have long hair that reaches midway down my back.

My personality,

I'll be outgoing,

I wont care what others think,

I'll show love,

I'll show that I finally believe,

I will should care,

I will be brave,

I'll be there,

I'll be the life of the party.

I'll live in an outstanding house.

Something no one has ever seen before.

Mostly because it will be designed by

Me.

I'll be smarter,

I will know what I should be doing with my life.

I know what I shouldn't do.

I will not get hurt.

I will know that he loves me.

I will know that a ring

doesn't really prove anything.

That we can prove to ourselves that we can do it.

I'll be able to travel.

I'll see everything.

I'll buy the world.

I'll model my heart out.

I'll do everything I've ever dreamed up.

It's getting harder to drift.

It's getting to that part where I don't understand.

Yet, I do understand.

Sing me a little song,

Dance a little dance,

Give me a little kiss.

We'll start over,

make this ending the new start.

When I twirl,

and stop to smile at you.

It's a good sign.

But,

when you smile back,

It's more then just a good sign.

You make me scream in joy.

Gosh,

you are simply amazing.

You always will be.

No matter what happens.

I'll dance with you till the stars go out.

And my heart is faded.

I'll sing with you till there are no more tunes.

and I'll give you a little kiss,

Just to show you the truth.

My heart is racing.

My heart is singing.

My heart is falling.

My heart is crying.

My heart is turning.

My heart is dancing.

My heart is warm.

My heart is showing you love.

(R)

Hug me one more time.

One last time.

Make me smile no one else can make.

Get me outta that shell.

Tell me I'm the one.

Tell me the truth.

Show me a feeling I can't seem to understand.

how be something new.

So me something old.

Old.

New.

Either way,

Mwah.

I'm thinking about you.

Because everyone needs someone to think about them.

I wonder if anyone is really thinking about me...

Who knows?

gnizama ylpmis era uoy

(:

buh-byee.

O-ECS

What I think.

(W)
Lately time has flied.
We talk and waste time.
It makes me smile.


(J)
What is it that makes you do it?
Why always me?
Are you just messing with me?

(R)
You are so different.
So sweet.
You make me feel like I matter.


(W, part2)
Dang.
Wow.
Mwah.
(:



I'm skipping from cloud to cloud.
Smiling.
Until I see you,
now it is not just a smile,
my heart is racing.



Work:
So, I'm adding a person to my family list.
Aimee, she's like a motherly roll.
Love it.
Everyone else is falling into place as well.
It's super amazing.
(:





When I've been somewhere
we have been before,
I try to retrace my foot steps
of that day.
So I can smile once more.




I think it's crazy that no one notices.


Mwah.

O-ECS

Wow.

Stary night sky.
What an amazing sight.



I don't really understand any of it.
Why I wake up from these dreams.
Screaming to go back.
Forcing myself to think the dream will come back,
and that everything will be okay.
When I know,
I just want to hide from the truth.


The truth is,
you don't get what you want.
Not always.
If your spoiled...which my school is full of,
doesn't count.
Because unless they are rich
on their old when they get older...
they will get their ass handed to them.




(B)
I HATE YOU!!
YOU MESSED UP EVERYTHING!!!
But, I don't hate you..
because you still talk to me...
Ugh.




That sight was amazing.
I wanna lay there.
With are hands laced together.
Looking lifeless on the ground.
As our eyes are looking up.
What an amazing sight.



(E1)
If you notice,
just once...
I'll give you $10.



You know what I hate?
When you are talking with someone,
and they ditch you because
they have 'something' else going on.

Aka...being lied too.

And people never understand why my trust level for them is low?
hmm...



Maybe if I dance under the stars for a little bit longer.
Everything will be okay.


<3

O-ECS

One....two....three....

Every time I'm gonna look at this post...
I'm gonna laugh now.


Wow, it's been a while hasn't it?



Anyway,
I've been making new friends.

Or maybe not,
I'm not sure.
I've been randomly sending messages to people.
Saying hi.
They might think I'm weird.
But, in a way,
that's what we did when we were little.
We went up to someone and said
"hi"
"will you be my friend?"




My mind is filled with thoughts of you.
Crazy huh?
You haven't even done anything yet.
Yet...
key word?
Who knows?
I sure don't.




My brother scares me sometimes.
He's dancing right next to me.



ugh,
it sucks.
I wanna type out so much.
but I can't seem to even start to form
what I'm thinking into words.




A magical carpet ride.
Across my heart,
you sail.

Just hold on tight.
Don't let go.

Tell me what you want to hear.
Tell me what I want to hear.
You know we belong.

Don't hold back.
Don't fight the truth.

One day,
I'll lace my fingers through yours.
We'll walk along the blue,
with everything starting to fade.

A magical sight to have.
On this magical carpet ride.



(:


1
2
3

it's as easy as that.



I wanna get on the roof top and just scream my lungs out.

Mwah.

O-ECS

I'm holding on.

"Hold on...if you feel like letting go
Hold on...it gets better than you know

Don't stop looking you're one step closer
Don't stop searching it's not over...hold on."



Status-Single.
Mood-A little bit of everything.
Energy-Gone.



Work:
It started out kinda blah,
I had to do things. lol.
Well as the night gets later,
There was screaming because Danny is a butt.
Haha, he scared me twice.
Something about throwing a water balloon at me?
Oh gosh.
Bowing.
Singing in weird ways.
Brent to me is really like an older brother.
He just sends me that vibe.
Which I love.
Jimmy is a mood booster.
He is always putting joy in everything,
even if he's having a bad day.
Jake is the only one I really talk to.
Not counting my brother of course.
Jade is the one I start wars with.
Fake wars.
He reminds me of some guys from school.
I couldn't have my Arizona tea with me,
haha just playing,
one of the bark backs was messing with me.
I love work.
I was in a REALLY bad mood today.
And work was what made everything better.




I had this dream,
it wasn't bad like the others.
It made me wake up,
with a smile,
and a blush crawling over my cheeks.

It kinda scares me.

It makes me think...




(J)
I drew a picture of us.
Shh...it's a secret.
Mhmm, you'll never know.

(W)
Have you even noticed?
I noticed.
Why did you have to give up the day?

(C)
Please stop.
I'm not stupid.
I know more then you think.

(E)
I wish you would talk to me.
Give me a chance.
You don't even know me.

(R)
The way you hug me.
The way you care.
It's an amazing feeling.



You all have been in my mind lately.




I just wanna jump into your arms,
and let all the fear disappear.




I
'
m

i
n

l
o
v
e

w
i
t
h

y
o
u
!

O-ECS

Feed my soul.

It's crazy what thoughts can fill your mind.

The thoughts you can't control,
I find them the worst.

I had set lines.
Lines I wouldn't cross.

Who knew I was so bad at that?



As I start to rest my head to sleep.
I think of the magical world I wanna be in.
Where maybe I can be happy all the time.

As I wake up,
I am gasping for breath,
and have tears falling down my cheek.


The dreams are the worst part lately.
I wouldn't even call them dreams anymore.
Nightmares, YES!




That ball of anger I always talk about has turned around.
It's more of a ball of tears now.

someone says one thing wrong,
and I'm broken.
The ball
has broke
and
I'm
the
first
one
down
crying.


Yeah, it sucks!


Even worse...
I'm crying over nothing probably.



There is this amazing person,
that told me he was moving.
I kinda envy him.

I know what it's like to move away from
ALL your close friends.
That, and I moved on my birthday.
I miss every single one of my friends.
Most don't even remember me now.
Once you've been away from a place for a while,
everything seems to fade.
That place matters less and less.
So, why do I envy him?
Because when he moves,
he can make that new start.
They don't know anything about his other life here.
and with that they can't judge him.
So, yeah...I envy that he can start that new life.



Turn the page
of the
big
book

that we call life.

O-ECS

This is sad I know.

There once was a little girl who lived alone at
Home. She never did have much to
Eat. She played
Guitar when ever she could get her hand on one.
At one point her
Mom told her she had, had
Enough, and wanted her to stop playing FOREVER
.

So sad. ):
I mean if you read the first letter of each line.


Okay, I'm not sure why I did that.
just to find something to do to open this up with, I guess.


As of right now,
everything has been going pretty good.
I've seen my friends I haven't seen in a while.
I've been outta the house.
I'm taken. (Which is a surprise)
I have a job.
Everything has just been good.

Yes, it is still round 2.
Yes, life is playing twice.

But,
I like it.
I like this feeling that has been storming up
inside of me.

No not everything is perfect,
and sure there are things I wanna fix,
but for now I am happy with what I have.

I wish some people would leave me alone though.
I do everything I do,
so I can be happy.
Everyone does that,
So why do people judge so much?


Well, school was nice today.
<3


O-ECS

You are my...

You are my sunshine.
As simple as that.
Your words sting.
And your motion so bright.
You aren't always there.
And sometimes you hurt.
You are too far away.
But you reach out to me.
You are my sunshine.
As simple as that.

My heart like a nightmare.
I can't control it.
I can't escape it.
I can't say no to it.
I can't understand it.
It knows me,
everything about me.
I can't walk away.
I can't hide.
It controls my every string,
till I've opened up.




I screamed the other night,
You weren't there.
I cried the same night,
You weren't there.
I smiled the next morning,
You weren't there.
I did nothing the evening,
You weren't there.

So tell me,
what must I do for you to notice?



Random note:
I'm getting my hair cut again.

Random facts:

• In a day 34,000 children die from causes that are related to poverty and hunger.

• Every 40,000 children are killed by fires.

• A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

• Oral-B is a combination of oral hygiene and the letter B, which stands for the word better.

• Cow is a Japanese brand of shaving foam.

• Over one billion Valentine's Day cards are sent each year in North America.

• The melting point of cocoa butter is just below the human body temperature which is why it literally melts in your mouth.

• Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.

Random word:
To-shay or Touche.


Random song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sqz5dbs5zmo




I dreamed about you the other night.
It was quite magical.
Like jumping into water,
as the heat of the summer is washed off,
and your body is now in the world of a fish.
Like swinging,
as the air passes through your hair,
a cool in take
in a rush to move forward.
Like getting on your first roller-coaster,
Where you are filled with the unknown,
but as soon as you take off,
this amount of joy and breath taking moment.
It's quite all amazing.
Like you.

The stars are watching us.
So lets make the best of this.
Shall we?

I might not do everything right,
but at least I'm having fun.
That's the best thing to do,
when you only live once.
Right?

I'll dream of you,
like I did the night before.
So you know,
there is always someone out there
thinking about you.

"Its starting like the dreams i had everyday
Now i come to know all the lights in the world

Everything has a scent because of you
I want to give all the dreams you want
I'll be your Tinkerbell in the sky
Like the first snow in winter like the sun in early spring
I fly to you with mysterious magic

When the Witch of Ice World from fairy tales
blows cold wind in front of us one day

Promise me. We can overcome it together.

I'm not scared of anything when i'm with you.
I'll be your Tinkerbell in the sky
Like the ocean in summer like the sky in late fall
Its a dream that starts when the blue light sparkles

The things i want to do with you are increasing
I'm worried the time we have is not enough

I want to give all the dreams you want
I'll be your Tinkerbell in the sky
Like the first snow in winter like the sun in early spring
I fly to you with mysterious magic

I'm not scared of anything when i'm with you.
I'll be your Tinkerbell in the sky
Like the ocean in summer like the sky in late fall
Its a dream that starts when the blue light sparkles"



O-ECS

Round 2.

And with a title like that,
what could this blog be about?


Should I list out the things that have played twice?
I think not.

There is to many of them.


BUT,

there is one event that I shall talk about,
but in a way that will only make little sense,
unless you really know me.


About this exact time last year,
I had gotten in that car with the 2 of you.
Hood down.
Went and picked up someone I didn't know.
They had met over internet.
Went to a gas station, to get him cigs.
Plover was made.
Went out to eat.
He got tea while the rest got mtn dew.
Went to the movies.
Next day we went bowling.
Later we had went to the beach.

This time this year,
I had gotten in that car with the 2 of you.
Hood down.
Waited for someone I didn't know to join.
They had met over internet.
Went to a gas station, to get him cigs.
Words were said to make a new Plover...but I didn't want it.
Went out to eat.
He got tea while the rest got mtn dew.
Went to the movies.
Next day we went bowling.
We had also gone to the beach.


I've never had life play twice.
Not in a way where I can pick out SO many things.
And yes, this is a VERY tiny amount of the
double playing I have been seeing.



Yeah, that was a vent.
Buh byee.
O-ECS
.

I normally don't do this.

I know I normally never double post.

But,
I couldn't help but want to say this.

(:



Today was crazy amazing.
Even though I was supposed to be off from work today.
I'm glad I was called in, besides the extra money.

Hehe, gosh.


It's crazy how things work out.


I think that's why I'm up late right now.


It made my night.


That and my people at work are weak. (:

Had to deal with drunk people...eww.
haha.


eeeppp, today was great. ^.^

Buh byee
O-ECS

"Music is what feelings sound like."


"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent."


And with that.
Music is AMAZING!


I don't think anyone or anything can understand someone
as well as music can.



I don't know why that is.
But
I
Simply
Love
It
.




Well, I have to say...
Today was the happiest I've been in a while.
I think it might be because I did NOTHING
in school today.
(:

It was super amazing.
First block...of B days.
Band: Played, but I got to run around the band room.
And E and I are talking again,
and there is no awkwardness, well for me there isn't.
Math: Played Rock Band in class.
Japanese: Had a party. Played Rock Band, had food, danced, took pictures.
Biology: We took notes on a movie, then went outside to find Easter eggs.


To me that was a REALLY laid back day.
Something I needed.







"Adorable illusion"

You know,
I care about you. I really REALLY super do. I can't say you are my everything, because that would be a lie above all. Everything changed between us...well all of us. My heart broke into pieces and from that a lot changed...well a lot changed even before my heart broke and my eyes blurred and my sanity disappeared. I use to be able to speak for you, like 2 peas in a pod. Weird how I can't even say we are close now. I think it is worse that we kinda hide from each other. Like I think I'm in a shell, and to talk to you or any of you is so outta my comfort line. Lately, I've been going pass my comfort zone, which makes me kinda hide later, or just want to zone out later. When we hug, I wish you wouldn't let go, just let me feel that I'm loved. You know I'm scared. I think everyone can tell I'm scared...or as some people put it...I look upset. I guess you can't tell the difference in me. Which could be a problem since those are 2 separate feelings. When we are dancing around I wish those smiles we have plastered to our face, wouldn't fade. I wish at some point you would smile at me and tell me everything outta your mouth wasn't always a joke. I wish you would talk to me and say hey for once. I wish people would be like that one bank commercial where one person does something nice which makes another person do something nice that just spreads. I understand we aren't as close as we use to be, I understand you guys are all amazing close, and me fitting in isn't the easiest thing. I love that you are trying though. Thank you. Today you didn't have to just walk away, that was very rude. When he is being nicer then you, that isn't right. It's normally the other way. Also why are you so mean? I don't think you should be. I mean I can't change you, nor do I want to...I just hate that you dis on my friends and me. I'm glad we met, you are pretty sweet. Your words to me are amazing, I know I can go to you when I need to smile. When I need to laugh, I know it's you and a few others that can just make me almost fall out of a chair laughing so hard. It's easy to talk to you. It's awkward to talk to you. I'm scared to talk to you. You talk to me. I hide from you. I run after you in the halls just to say hi and give you a hug. I wonder about you. I love that when I'm with you we pretty much just lay back and chill. You all entered my world in different ways, some in not so amazing ways, and some in ways I'll never forget. This isn't about just one person, it's about people that matter to me, or people I have contact with, or people that have changed my life in some way. Almost each sentence is about a different person, not all though.

I
Am
In
Love
I
Bet
You
Would
Have
Never
Guessed
That
.


That
Is
Right
,
I
Am
In
Love
With
You
.
(:




"I miss the old days that we murdered
They're so far gone, out of reach
Watch 'em fade with summer's heat."

Walking into walls.

.
.
.
I'm scared.
Worse then I normally am.

I'm not sure if I want to say why...



Also, by the time school is over,
I might be bald.
Yeah, I'm that stress.



You know,
I always made things harder for me.
Which is something I hated about myself.
Well, then I guessed it was because
I like books...
and I put myself in the world of a book.

Which then makes complications.


So, one problem happens to be...

my love life.


I turn it into more then it needs to be.

I feel to be happy...
is to be with someone...
because I have not healed...


but that is not the right reason.
It is a REALLY BAD reason to be with someone.
So, I gave up being with someone at this point.


I can't stand that I haven't healed,
but then again,
I don't know if I will ever heal.

I have to keep moving on though.
That is something I very much have to learn.
I'm going with it will be hard...seeming it is now still.




Anyway...

School...

well it has been the same.
I get to stressed over my grades,
and I'm too busy not paying attention in class
because I have friends.


Or those people I like to call my friends.

Are they really my friends?

I don't think I want to find out.
They say they are there for me,
and that is all I want to hear.

That comfort keeps me somewhat sane.




You know lately I've just wanted to scream...
the only problem is...
still got no one to scream at...


I've been getting mad so fast.

And still everything is making me cry.


I hate this.
It's almost like I have no more control.

I feel like everything has taken a path away from me.


The harder and probably the stressing part...
is trying to feel the opposite,
and trying to pull everything back,
so it feels back to normal.



My new start hasn't gone very well.
Which makes me a little sad.
I'm gonna work on it though.
I will.
I can do it.


Positive thoughts.
:)

I was talking to someone a few days ago.
We talked about things we wanted to do
before we die.
I'm sure everyone has a list.
My only problem is...we make this list...
and no ones does anything.

I have my list, and I have done nothing on it.
We all think we are gonna be living for a LONG time to come.
But, we really don't know that.

I guess some of the things I can't fully do yet...
since my age is still to young.
But, I think I am gonna do whatever I want...
and the worse thing that can go around is my reputation.
The only thing about that, is that's what other people think.
Which means...I don't care.

"A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new."
-Albert Einstein

So, like I said in an older post.
You can't make a new beginning,
but you can make a new now.

Sometimes I wish I could just start over.
And other times I know I shouldn't.
Life is being shaped by us.

And everything is going the way it is supposed to.
Even if it isn't always the best.


So part of my Carpe Diem list from school:
1)Laying on the beach with a group of friends at night.
2)Getting on a roof and screaming.
3)Making whatever "what if" not longer a "what if"
4)Cook for people I love.
5)Go back to colorado and watch the sunset and rise.
6)Go back to the Philippines.
7)Go to my sisters grave again, with flowers.
8)Meet new people, in interesting was.
9)Make a difference in someone's life.
10)Find a get away spot and write my heart out.
Skip 11.
12)Skydive.
13)buggy jump.
14)Snowboard.
15)Publish something I have wrote.
16)Travel.
17)Own a Lamborghini Diablo SV

My Bucket List from January 9, 2010:
1)Get married.
2)Visit Japan.
Skip 3.
4)Skydive.
5)Climb a mountain.
Skip 6.
7)Become a chef.
8)Open a restaurant.
9)Sleep under the stars.
10)Fire a gun.
11)Finish school.12)Travel all over the world, see how different people take control of their lives.
13)Publish my diary.
14)Send a message in a bottle.
15)Get a tattoo.
16)Snowboard.
17)Live in Colorado again.
18)Take pictures with everyone I have ever met.
19)Find a view that truly takes my breath away.
20)Become a more positive person.
21)Shower in a waterfall.
22)Stay in a hotel with my friends.
23)Go on a cruise.
24)Buy candles…lots of candles...and use them all.
25)Learn all about wine, and drink them.


~~~~~~~~~


Last thing I wanted to add is...
Secret love.
Yeah, I just gave a random name for it.
:P

1) We use to be CRAZY close.
You kinda made me drift from my other friends.
Then we just stop seeing each other.
And when I said I needed to see you, You weren't there anymore.
You still are someone I look up too.

2)Oh gosh,
Where to start?
You mean a lot to me, more then I seem to show.
Again, you were someone I was close too,
but we drifted,
and both of noticed our friendship was complicated.
So is that why we aren't really friends now?

3)Wow,
You are amazing.
You make me laugh so much.
You really are more like an older brother.
I'm not sure what I was thinking.
And I'm hoping everything will work out.

4)New,
Yup, you are new in my life.
And as soon as you are new.
You are gonna be old.I hate that thought too.
I promise I'll keep in touch with you.
I wish you the best my little sis.

5)You are crazy.
You know what to do to make me smile.
I love that.
I love that I can joke with you about anything.
I wish you understood though,
that I really am here for you.
And that no matter what I always will be.

6)I think it is thanks to you,I've changed a lot.
You make me smile a lot as well.
And you just know how to make someone feel better.
You also know how to make someone laugh.
You are one of my best friends.
I'm glad we started to talk again.

7)We have been friends for a long time.
The only thing is,
have we really been friends?
I wonder sometimes...
Sometimes, I feel like you are using me in someway...
or that I'm just there.
Idk.

8)You are amazing.
You are one of the few I feel are stillthere after such a long time.
You are so strong, I'm glad I've met you.

9)Wow,
you have made a LARGE impact lately.
You try everyday to make sure I have a smile across my face.
And you are good at putting on there.
I'm glad you didn't walk away from me.
You stood next to me,
and said "it will make us closer friends.
I'm sure of it."
I'm glad it really did.
10)You are like an older sister.
You watch after me,
you help me up when I fall.
You tell me everything will be alright.
Thank you.

11)You are who I consider my BEST FRIEND.
We don't always talk,
but we have more lately.
But I think that's it, we can still be close friends evenwhen we don't talk 24/7.
I can tell you anything and everything.
Like I feel I can really open myself to you.
I promise I'll spend the night at your house one day.
Haha.

12)Putting 2 in one for this one.
You 2 are incredible,
yeah we are only human,
so fights are bound to break lose.
But we manage to talk and be close in the end.
I guess it helps we are almost all alike.
You guys are simply perfect in my eyes.

13)You are so strong.
You went through a lot.
And it has been crazy for you at times.
and you still pulled your head up high, found the positive.
You are beautiful,
and I look up to you.
I love you.

14)You are imperfect.
As well as I am.
But perfect in the same matter.
You make me smile by the weirdest things.
You are not like everyone else.
Which is pretty interesting.
I'm very glad I met you.
Thank you.

I think I am stressed.

I'm not even sure about what anymore.

Just everything I guess.

It's scary how fast life is moving.

I wish everything would FREEZE!

I wish my mind would STOP.

and I wish I could just REST!

Everything right now,

just kinda...

Sucks.

I'm not saying life is HORRIBLE!

Just that it simply sucks.

It's boring.

I want more from it.

Also, I think I'm not telling people.

I was always about the "what if's"

so I would always tell what was on my mind.

But something I hated knowing what the "what if" was.

Sometimes I just wish I could walk away,

or just move on from something.

I don't really understand what have been going on,

but I just want to fly away.

Everything just seems over powered.

I'm gonna make the best of what I've got.

I'm not perfect, and never will be.

I'll find Mr.Right one day.

I'll be happy.

And nothing

and no one,

can or will

HOLD

ME

BACK

!

I really am not sure what I'm looking for anymore.

A reply?

something?

A sign?

Someone to just talk to me?

Someone that I wont hurt?

Something..different?

Something I can really say is new?

I feel like a broken record...playing over and over again.

Wake up.

Get ready for school.

Go to the bus stop.

Go to the morning group.

Talk.

Class.

Learn.

Get on the bus.

Home.

Rest.

Get ready for work.

Walk to work.

Work.

Get home.

Sleep.

Wake up again,

get ready for school...

etc.

I want to meet someone new.

Someone that walks into my life,

and is willing to put up with me.

Is sweet to me.

Knows more about me,

then I know myself.

And I know I wouldn't ever get mad

at that someone.

That would be nice.

(:

3 more hours till I have to work...fun.

I get paid today though. :D

I like money.

But my plans went out the window...so Idk now.

Blah...this blog sucks...

I couldn't focus about anything running in my mind right now.

Sorry.

O-ECS